ALIAS POOR YORICK

TOMORROW Humid. Cloudy. Windy. Hot. Sunny. Wet. Triangular. High chance of showers and storms with possibility of thunder and lightning very very frightening in the early morning and the late morning and also during the early and late parts of the afternoon, with strong possibility of very similar weather patterns in the middle of the afternoon and that weird part of the morning when it's too late for morning tea and a wee bit early for lunch. Winds will tend South, East, SS East and North-Easterly with an insignificant statistical probability of getting anywhere near a Westerly direction but you can never be sure about these things.  There is a 50% chance of rain at various time of the day, sunny periods during the times of the day when there's less cloud, and a 60% chance of baffling statistics after lunch. A nap wouldn't be a bad idea. Do not swim while you are sleeping. Always wear clean underwear and carry a spare handkerchief. And a jumper. I don't like

From the desk of HRH Lord Sir Prince Philip, Earl of Grey, Duke of Course Dear Jillaroos, Jackaroos, Jigaboos, and Piccaninnies of Australia, Thank you so very much for this unexpected honour. You shouldn't have. No really, you shouldn't.  But I've always wanted one and it fits me and everything. Also, the colour suits me well. You beauts. You cobbers. Is that right ? Did I get that right ? I really should have consulted a young person like my son Charles, he knows your wonderful country better than I do. He spent some time there in a school in a tree hut or something. They told us it would be character-building. Made him drink his own urine. Or was that Bear Grylls - I always get those two confused. Now I won't say this wasn't something of a surprise, and I'm a bit sketchy on the details of why exactly I am being honoured in this way, but I'm told it has something to do with my efforts to protect your country during the Franco-Prussian War