ALIAS POOR YORICK

Already staggered by Wikileak revelations that America finds Prince Andrew a bit of a dick, Buckingham Palace is braced for further shocks when Wikileaks reveals that Prince Phillip is also a bit of a dick, Prince Charles is a bit eccentric, and that the Queen is tired and a bit over the whole being-a-queen-thing. Oh, and that no-one can remember the name of her youngest son. You know, the really badly balding one. Well when I say no-one, I actually mean no-one in our office. Well actually when I say no-one in our office, I really mean me. Go on, what the hell's his name. Prince ... ????? In further news, Big Ted has been officially elected Emperor of All Victoria. We would never stoop to jokes about possible cabinet positions for Jemima and little Ted. Never. It's just not our style. Standby for further Wikileaks shocks:  Kevin Rudd still a bit pissed off with Julia Gillard. Earth is round. Today is Tuesday. I've run out of jokes. Have a pleasant and Henry Mancini

BUT FIRST: We apologise to our international subscribers, but there's some sort of election going on in this part of Australia even as we speak, and we've been forced to accept money (or rather a triple scoop boysenberry dream) to run this paid party political broadcast. Having said that we'd like to point out that the staff and proprietors of FCJ/Alias Poor Yorick like totally endorse... THE INNOCENT PARTY Votes for us. It's not too late, you've still got a couple of hours. Why ? Because none of this shit is our fault. We weren't there, we didn't do it, you can't prove a thing. The Innocent Party : There's only one verdict Look there's bugger all choice. You've got two parties whose major argument revolves around who'll get to pick the band for the Melbourne Grammar School Reunion dance, and the other party with pretty nice people not all of whom ride bicycles .Why not let us have a go at stuffing it up. The Innocent Party : we ha

I'd like to assure you that following current OH&S practise, all our staff while writing in public wear approved high-visibility clothing and safety-thongs. Furthermore, all staff have advanced level training in first-aid procedures for 'ice-cream headache' DISCLOSURE: Today's blogging has been bought to you by the New Zealand Natural Ice-Cream Company & Jim's Ontological Enquiries (Franchises available)

No I don't want a job as chief sub-editor on a English tabloid but thanks for the thought. More news about the exorcism. We've stocked up on holy water, Buddhist prayer flags and american dollars. This is no time for being narrow and uni-denominational. Start monday. Our exorcism facilitator Big Ed "Xylophone" McNally is spending the weekend getting spiritually fit & we've moved the office temporarily. Found a space at Eastland just over from New Zealand Natural Icecream. If some of this sounds a bit wild, blame the boysenberry dream. We've left our Editor-at-Large, Mr Paul Yorick in charge of head office. He's got the keys and instructions not to over-feed the cat. Or the ferrets. More lies from the internet cafe. There's man on a computer near me on the grown-up RSVP site, YES PLEASE I'D LIKE A ROOT and he's typing in his description. Ladies, here's a hint: the only person who looks like a "slightly older" George Clooney i

We regret the rude interruption to services from FCJ/Alias Poor Yorick, but we have been possessed by evil spirits and urgently require a medium-size exorcism. We've been invaded by bad trojan thingies scarier even than the flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz or Geoffrey Edelstein's hair. As a result all attempts to log on result in us being diverted to weird English search engines and porn sites. We wouldn't mind so much but you know those English porn sites - it's all businessman in high heels and black pudding and farm animals and model helicopters. We don't know about you, but here at FCJ/Alias Poor Yorick  we have zero tolerance for the sexual exploitation of model helicopters. In the meantime, good news. In the first three weeks of operation, readership has soared three hundred percent. However we can categorically deny rumours we've been offered a $15 mil buyout by Facebook. This simply is not true. Looks nice though, doesn't it

  I'll never forget that day my grandfather leaned over & said to me:  Never ever take a spoon to a knife fight

  Mary had a little lamb, she kept it in a bucket.   & every time the lamb got out the dog would try to ... Ah there you are, I'm sorry I didn't hear you come in ... look, a giraffe .. Right, no .. just scribbling. No .. poetry actually  ...Always scribbling. But let's move on to tonight's meditation, which is .. Would Jesus drive a Nissan Micra ? And the answer, quite unequivocally, is no. No he wouldn't. God did not send his only son to earth to drive a shit car. And the colours are shocking. I'm pretty sure there's kosher laws which strongly suggest nobody should even be around colours like that. Especially that shade they could only have got by electroplating an oyster. However, should Jesus find himself having one of his famous hillside chats with a bunch of people who had no way of getting home, I'm sure he'd have no problem taking five Micras and three of those stupid Harley-wannabe motorcycles and turning them into a fleet of buse

Goodgle keywords ? I have no idea what you're talking about. But first, congratulations to Tarquin Dogbadger of Upper Lower West for his winning entry in our inaugural  BYO Guru competition : "Power corrupts, absolute power means having to do just under a billion personal performance reports every year" &  an honourable mention to Mrs Bernard Lycra of Perth for: "If at first you don't succeed, blame the Greens for directing their preferences to the wrong party"

    VIC RHODES REJECTS CLAIMS HE IS DEAD. MUTTERS STUFF ABOUT MARK TWAIN STEALING IDEA FROM HIM. DETAILS TO FOLLOW

Ah, there you are. Sorry I had to pop out for a moment, but we were running low on pickled antelope forelocks. Now about this blog, currently known as ALIAS POOR YORICK.  Someone told me we should have an editorial policy. I've checked with accounting and they tell me we can  afford an espresso machine, or an editorial policy, but not both. Here's your coffee. SEVERAL REJECTED NAMES FOR THIS BLOG: *  The Secret Diary of Jeff Browett aged 56 1/2 *  Does My Ego Look Big in This ? *  Vlad the Inhaler *  Vic Plato and the Teenage Jesus Impersonators *   The Hipster-Douche Gazette But of course while unable to afford an editorial policy we've been able to cobble together an editorial stance. Or possibly an editorial attitude. Or a platform. And two of the central planks of this platform are: Started with nothing, and I've still got most of it left & It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and there's never enough dog to go around (  & no, I