* Results may vary: Day 53 oh alright Day 52

                                                                                 


* Yes it's me, your editor-in-chief, taking over the reins to get this job done. A thousand apologies for that cock-up of a column from our intern. I guess it's true what they say - if you pay peanuts, you get people who eat the peanuts & then succumb to their nut allergies instead of working. So I'm taking over personally and I'll have you know I've dragged myself away from a killer winning streak at bitcoin blackjack just to be here. On with the blunt instrument trauma satire....

                     
                           
 *  PM Turnbull breakfasted on truffles and Chateau Zut Alors before jetting off to Queensland after hearing there were people up there who did not like him and would not be voting for him. Oh dear, he said to an adviser, perhaps if  I asked them nicely ? His advisers agreed this was a brilliant strategy.

* Opposition Leader Bill Shorten checked the Melbourne weather forecast before deciding that he too needed to fly working-class to Queensland to campaign in the crucial seats of Pretty Much All of Queensland and maybe pick up a cheap dinosaur or two at Clive Palmer's garage sale

* Assistant Director at the Speechwriter-General's office, Jobsan Growth, said he welcomed the fact that clearly at this stage there was on the table the opportunity to introduce a narrative into the conversation we need to have as this campaign unfolds.

* Comedy Crowdfunding appeal. 52 days to go people. 52 days. Count them. This is going to hoover through jokes like Stevie Nicks doing coke backstage at a Fleetwood Mac reunion show. We need your help. Please send your new or used-but-in-good-condition jokes to us here at ALIAS POOR YORICK. It's going to be a long and arduous comedy slog. All political jokes gratefully accepted. And no please do not send me Clive Palmer in a Quickpost bag. You'll need something sturdier.

* Our crack investigative team today discovered that Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce is being kept under heavy sedation in a shearers' hut somewhere in the Wimmera until he shuts up about carp.

* And finally, Senate Candidate & former lead singer of Rose Tattoo, Mr Angry Anderson displays a startling new full body tattoo of a business suit.




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

HOW TO NOT SHOOT TAYLOR SWIFT

Image
  SWIFT EXIT STITCH IN TIME FOR TAYLOR Narrow escape today for pop diva Taylor Swift after she cleverly avoided being in Kansas City for the giant piss-up occasioned by the KFC ( Kansas Fucking Chiefs ) winning a well-attended football game of some sort. It was the third year in a row the KFC had won and the fans seemed reasonably pleased. We understand Taylor Swift's boyfriend du jour is a valued member of the KFC  team and played an excellent game, causing the normally reserved Ms Swift to let out an excited squeal. We can neither confirm nor deny that Travis received the customary backseat of the limo passionate-but-chaste-embrace as the happy couple sped to the airport, sending her swiftly on her way to Australia where she will stage a number of wildly successful and very long concerts. Back to the carnage. Three shooters opened fire on the huge crowd, many of whom were not yet paralytically drunk All three were eventually quickly captured and arrested and advised of their righ
Read more

LEST WE FORGET © ANZAC 2019 ™ ®

Image
Of course I fought at Gallipoli. I was only a fetus, so I had to lie about my age. And my height. I had to lie about a lot of things. I hated the taste of beer and I didn't know the words to Waltzing Matilda, but I was buggered if I was going to let that stand in the way of dying for my country. Or someone else's country. War isn't supposed to make sense. They say the first casualty of war is truth. In my case the first casualty of war was a Louis Vuitton trunk containing my best dinner suit, three ounces of Turkish opium, and a particularly fine collection of Persian erotica. Sunk without trace after a luggage tender capsized at Alexandria. A tragedy. I was on my way to Paris to cover the war as a freelance correspondent and I had no idea of the horrors I was to face. Without a decent dinner jacket. You people have no idea. Gallipoli. It was hell. When I say I fought at Gallipoli, I really mean I saw action at Gallipoli. Well, I mean I saw some photos of the plac
Read more

HOW TO GIVE UP SMOKING

Image
      First, have a cigarette. It's probably best to wake up first, but I have been known to have a cigarette immediately before awakening or even before. Now dig out those barely-out-of-date nicotine patches you bought three years ago after chain smoking three packs of Marlboro Red at a party in Rehab. Apply liberally to the chest and upper arm areas. I know it says only one, but what sort of a wimp are you ? Go hard or go home. And check out the Krusty the Clown instructional video on YouTube. He recommends 15 - 20 at a time, at least until your body gets used to it. Now, by this time the patches will have kicked in, flooding your bloodstream with nicotine, fear, and anxiety. You may feel the need for a cigarette at this stage. I know I do, but I promised myself I wouldn't have one until I'd finished this blog. You could be in luck - this night be a short piece. Anyway, after that cigarette, don't have any more. Simple.
Read more