Posts

LEST WE FORGET © ANZAC 2019 ™ ®

Image
Of course I fought at Gallipoli. I was only a fetus, so I had to lie about my age. And my height. I had to lie about a lot of things. I hated the taste of beer and I didn't know the words to Waltzing Matilda, but I was buggered if I was going to let that stand in the way of dying for my country. Or someone else's country. War isn't supposed to make sense. They say the first casualty of war is truth. In my case the first casualty of war was a Louis Vuitton trunk containing my best dinner suit, three ounces of Turkish opium, and a particularly fine collection of Persian erotica. Sunk without trace after a luggage tender capsized at Alexandria. A tragedy. I was on my way to Paris to cover the war as a freelance correspondent and I had no idea of the horrors I was to face. Without a decent dinner jacket. You people have no idea. Gallipoli. It was hell. When I say I fought at Gallipoli, I really mean I saw action at Gallipoli. Well, I mean I saw some photos of the plac
Post a Comment
Read more

EDITORIAL

Image
I blame Wagner. You can blame him too, if you'd like. If it'd help. It's not like he can fight back or anything, I mean he turned two hundred last week. The trouble with Wagner is that he's so bloody Wagnerian. And another thing. I checked out his comic opera The Mastersingers of Nuremberg. Not one single joke ! WTF Richard Wagner. Who would have thought that my favourite sentence of the week could be .... "And I'm sorry that's all the time we have for Wagner this morning" But on to serious matters. I have decided in the interests of mankind as a whole to spend at least one hour a day having really deep thoughts. I know you'd do it if you had the time, but hey, I'm a writer, it's not like I have a proper job or anything. So, on your behalf I will be thinking very very deeply everyday about matters of universal importance. And I'll be passing the results on to you, the lucky consumer. Now. Can of worms. Seriously people, is this t
Post a Comment
Read more

EASTER EXPLAINED

Image
Why, I hear you exclaim ever so faintly, explain Easter now when it's been over for two weeks ?  Three Weeks? Nearly four ? Seriously  ? How long have I been trying to write this fucking thing? Let me explain. As many of you will know by now, a lot of our staff here at ALIAS POOR YORICK have religious objections to observing any sort of deadlines. Religious Affairs Editor, Elvis MacGregor Cohen ll ( pictured above) is no exception. To compound our difficulties Mr Cohen has been drifting in and out of a diabetic coma for the past fortnight after eating four hundred & twenty-seven Lindt Chilli Chocolate Easter eggs and we've only just managed to wrest this bit of deathless prose from his almost lifeless fingers ...... Have you ever found yourself asking why Jesus had to go and get himself crucified right at the beginning of our biggest and best public holiday ?  I mean what was God thinking ? What is Easter about anyway, and how come it never gets a mention in the bi
Post a Comment
Read more

CRICKET TEST

Image
 F.Castro (Fast bowler) & Malcolm X (Opening Bat) IF YOU WISH TO REMAIN IN THE AUSTRALIAN CRICKET TEAM, PLEASE ANSWER THE FOLLOWING  SIMPLE QUESTIONS: 1. The game you are paid an obscene amount of money to play is ...     (a) So much better than working for a living   (b) Hitting the roundy leather thing with the flat wooden stick type thing   (c) Cricket We know this seems like a real simple one, but humour us here. By the way, if you haven't ticked (c) Cricket, please go back and tick (c) Cricket. This is the correct answer. Let's please for everyone's sake at least pretend to be on the same page. Okay ... 2. Cricket is .... ?     (a) warfare without the guns     (b) a chance for a couple of dozen flannelled fools to ponce around shouting "Huzzah" and "Jolly good show Tarquin" for no apparent reason over several days.     (c) as good a way as any to fill in time between tea-breaks 3. The leg wicket is ...     (a) the
Post a Comment
Read more

I AM ENIGMATIC & DIAPHANOUS

Image
  GOD AND UNNAMED ASSISTANT FIGURE  OUT WHERE IN YOUR FAVOURITE PARK TO PUT THE DOG SHIT Hello, God here. Yes. Again. You all know I like to keep these personal appearances to a minimum, but people keep calling. And yes I am omniscient so I should know better but the thing is I have no spam filter and when five fifteen yr old girls on the beach start screaming omigod omigod into their iPhones I immediately think they're having some sort of deep spiritual crisis which demands my presence or at least some sort of a sign and then I find that no, it's merely that One Direction are in town and have added a second concert or that Justin Bieber has discovered a third pubic hair and named it Ulysses. None of which has anything to do with me. You can trust me on that one. I'm not one to point the finger but that stuff is pretty much the work of the Horned One.  I am far too busy being enigmatic and diaphanous. Except on Tuesday afternoons when I make a special effort to be
Post a Comment
Read more

YOUR CALL IS IMPORTANT TO US

Image
Thank you for calling Alias Poor Yorick, proud purveyor of ethically-sourced single-origin comedy. Please hold the line. Your call is important to us, as you can tell by the care and compassion that has gone into selecting our hold music. Today you have the very great privilege of listening to the Ukraine Women's Theremin Ensemble covering Billy Ray Cyrus' "Achy Breaky Heart". No don't thank us, we can feel the love from here. Again, your call is important to us. If you wish to speak to someone who will assure you that absolutely everything is fine, despite enormous amounts of evidence to the contrary, please press 1 If you wish to make inquiries about how many comedy writers it takes to change a light-bulb, press 2 ( it's three actually, one to change the light-bulb, one to drive to the bottle-shop for more beer, and one to kill anybody who says "This is supposed to be funny, right ?") Thank you for calling. Your call is important to us. Don&
Post a Comment
Read more

HOW TO BE A CASUAL RACIST

Image
  TERRORIST TUAREGS IN TENTS INTENT ON BEING TAKEN FOR TOURISTS Look I don't mind a bit of casual rascism ... what .. wait .. yes I do. But hang in with me for the sake of the story. Casual racism, at least it's better than formal racism.The organised version. What a drizzle that is. And how silly do you feel, Billy-Bob Ninnie when you ring Billy-Bob Cretin and you get his wife Dolly Darlene and you have to ask if The Grand Wizard is at home. And can he come out to play. Casual racism is so damn .. you know .. casual. It's usually preceded by "I probably shouldn't say this" which is a clue & a cue: "I probably shouldn't say this" is your chance to say nothing. Just shut the fuck up and we'll all think better of you. Ah, sigh. Yes I know it's not going to happen, and I guess it's a shade better than jumping into the middle of a conversation with "Fucking towelheads, how come we're not allowed to shoot them anymo
Post a Comment
Read more