Posts

Showing posts from April, 2013

WHY I DON'T WANT TO BE GOD ANYMORE

Image
Hello, God here. No no, no need for that sort of carry on. I've told you before about that. All that God-fearing stuff is so very old-fashioned. Just a simple gidday will do. And a cup of English Breakfast tea would be nice. And a date scone, if you're having one. But please,  no more of that grovelling around on the ground and wailing and all that crap. But while we're on the topic, a bit of gratitude wouldn't go amiss. I mean I'm the one who gave you peacocks, and chili chocolate, and sex. Not that you were supposed to enjoy all three of them at the same time. Yes you ! You grubby little bastard. I know who you are. Just stop it before I rethink the whole freewill thing altogether. Now, where was I .. ah, yeah look I'm thinking about just nicking off altogether. I'm just jack of it really. It's not easy being omnipotent. And as for being omniscient, you think that's cool ? I know what Clive Palmer looks like naked. So just like shut up dudes.

NORTH KOREA NEEDS A HUG

Image
Hello, Good Morning, and fear me please. Stand back in awe and wonder and shiver slightly at my sheer fabulousness. I am Kim Jong-un  and I am the God Scorpion chosen to guard the jewel that is North Korea and protect it from the decadence that is the West. And the rest. You are all a serious fucking worry. I should at this stage point out to you that my remarks here this morning are being translated by my good personal friend, and recently adopted brother, Kim Jeff-oh shit yeah. He is a fabulously talented and gorgeous human, possibly the funniest man who has ever lived, and you should be paying him vast amounts of money to do whatever he wants. (* having re-checked the transcripts, it's possible that what Kim Jong-un  actually said in that last sentence was "I am a terrifyingly powerful man and if you do not arrange for Delta Goodrem to sleep with me I will destroy Seoul" You'll have to excuse me, my Korean is a little rusty. But I'm sure he wants you to gi

JULIA & JULIA (& me) : The New World Order

Image
Cabinet reshuffle ? Ignore it, it's just a front. Fact is, folks, that Julia's pretty much had it with her Labour Party colleagues and has been looking further afield for someone to rule with. I mean with whom to rule. Guess who she found ? Me ! She stumbled across ALIAS POOR YORICK while cruising the Net looking for ferret jokes to amuse Greg Combet with. I mean, with which to amuse Greg Combet. Read the whole thing, and immediately decided she needed to rule, I mean govern, with me at her side. So it's a done deal. We'll be running the whole country, apart from that boring money stuff. And who can bothered with that. We'll be appointing my personal accountant, Vinnie "The Stoat" Ravioli, as finance minister and Chancellor of the Exchequer. That man can make a tax return sing. He's an artist. Julia and I will look after everything else. We'll rule as a triumvirate. Except with only two of us. Julia says not to worry it'll be all right, s