ALIAS POOR YORICK

Voting is really important. Check carefully to make sure this is a real how-to-vote card. How can I make sure ? Firstly, there should be an enormous amount of confusing and apparently conflicting information. If the item you are holding does not fit this description, it may be a membership application for Costco, or a library card. If it has a picture of a sepia-toned girl with no knickers then it is a naughty French postcard, and if it has a tasteful painting of flowers then it is a birthday card from my mother and I'd like to know what the hell you're doing with it when mine was a day late. You bastard. Right. Back to the three-ring circus. It is useful to remember that democracy is a deeply-flawed concept invented by a bunch of unemployed philosophers wandering around in frocks. I don't want to upset you, I'm just saying. Now. Voting is not as easy as people think. You have to pay attention. This election campaign has been going on since roughly the time of the

THE GOVT WHIP ? SURE, NOW YOU KNOW THAT'S $50 EXTRA.       Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate .... it's me Tony. Tone Tony. Tony the Toned  The Jockstrap Jesuit. Used to be the Prime minister remember ? You used to love me but it's all over now ? Say it ain't so bro. I hear I don't have your vote, surely that can't be right. Tell me it's wrong ..... You what ?  What am I wearing ? ..... no, yeah, nah, I won't give you a blow-job, not even if you throw in your wife's vote as well. How about a pony. Yeah mate. A pony. I'll give you a pony … no, an actual pony, I can never figure out all that patois about money and stuff anyway. I once lent a mate five thousand for a cup of coffee. Ponies monkeys gorillas it's all Greek to me I'm just a simple man of the people. Give me some bacon and eggs and a bottle of Chateau Lafitte for breakfast and I'm a bloody happy simple man of the people …..  you calling me a liar, mate? Mate, you calling bullshi

VOTE FOR ME. WHEN TWO FACES ISN'T ENOUGH Vote early. Vote often. And if you want someone who can  swallow table tennis balls and turn them into policy which makes as much sense as this process would suggest, you could always vote for these three. We know she'll be trying to. Pauline Queen of the Dessert. Good luck and don't forget your democracy sausage.

GUEST EDITOR LORD BADEN-BADEN POWELL Our guest editor tap-dances deftly through the minefield that is modern etiquette. GOVT HEALTH WARNING: Contains the phrase "fuck off and die" BAD HAIR DAY "How's your hair been?" This is what my hairdresser actually said to me. It is true. I am a bitcoin-billionaire comedy blogger, I would not lie to you about a thing like that. I sighed deeply and then told her everything. It was such a relief to let it all out, to have someone to talk to ... Well Skyelah, I said, it's been pure hell. Some days it's just moody, other days it barely even talks to me. It simply will not do what I want it to do. My life is a painful parade of bad hair days. Who knew you could end up with hair with issues. I don't want to be a panic-slut but I think my hair is on drugs. I mean I know it's drinking, coming in at all hours looking like a cheap Rod Stewart, refusing to tell me where it's been and the language it