ALIAS POOR YORICK

 THE ROASTING PROCESS REQUIRES GREAT CONCENTRATION It was just two days after my fifteenth birthday that I decided to dedicate my life to creating the perfect cup of coffee. I had wanted to become a doctor and make a difference to child morbidity rates in the Sudan , but at that moment I went no bugger it, I want to do something important with my life. After all, I'm from Melbourne. The first thing I did of course was to spend several months praying to Saint Anselm, who conceived the ontological proof of God's existence, and, surely not coincidentally, is the patron saint of coffee. I asked for guidance. Then I met my personal guru,Tarquin Vespa,  a man who sent me off to the North Sahara desert region to meditate on a coffee bean. I want you, he said, to become the coffee bean... By the way, surely I can't have heard sir correctly, A latte ? At this time of day ? Surely not. We have a saying in Italy. Milk comes from cows, coffee comes from God. Surely you would not

YOU HAVE (21) NOTIFICATIONS  which your real Facebook Friends, you know, The Facebook Crew, have sorted and explained for you. We rock so you can roll. TERRY YOURFRIEND ... Liked your post, then Unliked your post, then Liked it again, then decided that neither was an acceptable response to the death of your parakeet & has gone down the pub for a cleansing ale. JEREMY YOURFRIEND .. Has accepted your friend request even though he has never heard of you and doesn't much like your profile picture or any of the stuff you like, it's just he was up to 499 friends and felt the need to go to a round number ALYSSIA YOURFRIEND ... Has bought a cat ALYSSIA YOURFRIEND .. Has posted 167 pictures of her cat Cleopatra RUPERT YOURFRIEND .. posted a link to some site you've never heard of, along with a picture which is completely incomprehensible and was probably shot on some wank setting on Instagram. The whole is clearly designed to make you feel intellectually, socially, a

The Author Contemplates the Ludicrous Charges Against Him As I stand here before this tribunal I am appalled, disgusted, and flabbergasted. But most of all, innocent. Totally, completely, absolutely innocent of these and all other charges that may or may not be brought against me. This is clearly what Kafka was talking about about when he famously said "Will you lot piss off, I'm trying to write a play". I'm so innocent I have given my lawyer, Hirohito Fengshui, the day off and will defend myself. Let me make this abundantly clear: I have never conspired to murder one or more of the Wiggles and replace them with ruthless assassin cyborgs. Furthermore, I have never been offered, even on a trial basis, the part of the Black Wiggle. I have never watched "Downton Abbey" with the sound turned down, doing all the voices in a broad New Zealand accent & adding frequent farting noises. I did not encourage Bryce Courtenay to lie about fighting in th

 TOLSTOY TELLS CHEKHOV 'UNCLE VANYA' NEEDS MORE JOKES 

A paid political presentation from the Hipster Douchbag Alliance. ALIAS POOR YORICK does not endorse any opinions or abuses of syntax in this message Written and spoken by Merkin Dreadlock. Authorized by Ophelia Occasionally, and DJ Authentyk on behalf of the Hipster Douchebag Alliance. Dudes. Shit is all fucked up and everything . I blame the military-industrial complex. And politicians. And old people. And teachers. Like I went to school and they just tried to teach me stuff ! They oppressed me with facts.  I've been in the  entertainment industry for ten years and never needed a single fact. Screw you, you fascists. And that's another thing: there's too much hate. Like I really really hate that. I blame the man. And the cops. So things need to change, right ? And like when will things ever change. I went on this march about four years ago. March to stop hunger. There's still hunger ! What's with that. I signed an online petition against war. There'