ALIAS POOR YORICK

. Please stop asking me to get in touch with my feelings. I got in touch with my feelings once and it was icky. I was in a supermarket at the time and I cried all over the fennel pollen. People thought I was having a Martyrchef moment..."no Tarquin that's fine, you just sit there and watch the tennis while I dust the pickled antelope forelock with fennel pollen, no no, you just relax, I'll strain the jus, it's not like I've had to take a second job to pay our saffron bill at the Provedore, I mean I just lounge around here all day while you're at your great big important job at SBS"... I'm sorry I have no idea where that came from, yet again it highlights the very real dangers of feelings and trying to get in touch with them. I remember the time I tried to do it on Facebook - I put in a friend request to my emotions & it was just ignored. I have no idea how I feel about that. Emotions are overrated, I'd rather have Euros. When I was growing

 ALIAS POOR YORICK Editor-in-Chief Jeff Browett reads  Gina Rinehart's poetry for the first time       (February 2012)       Neatly sandwiched between 2011 and 2013, 2012 was a year that was up to the job. For me the highlight was the Olympics, which, by any possible measure was won by Australia. As long as that measure doesn't involve facts or figures. I'm telling you though, our failures were heroic, our excuses Olympian in their delusional scope and grandeur. We won where it counts, and yes as a matter of fact I am dictating this while competing in a polo match which means you'll have to excuses lapses in syntax and judgement. Well look I'm a busy man and it's the only way ... Murdoch you little fucker, get the fuck out of my way, it's bad enough you people tapping a dead girl's cellphone, but cheating at polo !? What sort of a fucking degenerate are you ... I'm sorry you had to hear that, now where was I ... Penelope when you're