ALIAS POOR YORICK

  Lost in the mists of the time before time began, or certainly before the QWERTY keyboard was widely accepted, lived men whose lives were the stuff of legend. This the story of one such man. And the men who fought beside him. And half a dozen guys from catering. And a donkey. Also there might have been some goats and an irritatingly brave thirteen-year-old boy who lied about his age in order to run away from home and join the battle. But I digress. Quiltstorm the Adequate turned to his men assembled on the eve of battle, and addressed them: "Men. It is the eve of battle. We are hopelessly outnumbered. I can only offer you death and glory. Who is with me ?" There was a considerable amount of shuffling and throat-clearing. Men looked at the ground, or at their watches. Or rather at the empty space on their wrists where watches would have been had anyone bothered to invent them instead of piss-farting about fighting wars, torturing non-believers, and pretending to

Stand back in shock and awe other political parties, the Ferret Party is here and we mean to win this election. We are the party that is determined to look the future full in the face  with nary a sideways glance behind us as we move forward. Shoulder to shoulder with you the people. And we will win this thing for the simple reason that we cannot lose. Our leader, Lord Clive Ferret, is worth ten billion dollars, which makes him a billion times smarter than any of you. Unless of course you are worth ten million dollars, in which case he is a thousand times smarter than you. If you are worth just under a million dollars, then ... oh look, he's just heaps smarter than any of you, so shut up. So why, you ask, go on then, ask away, why oh why will the Ferret Party be the best rulers ever ever in the history of Australia so far ?  Because : 1. No Ferret Prime Minister has ever led this country into war 2. We promise that ballroom dancing will be introduced as an Olympic eve