WA SENATE 2014 : HOW TO VOTE CARD

GARY, HAIR TO THE THRONE

Firstly, let me make one thing perfectly clear. This is an important election and it is vital that you elect Greens candidate Senator Scott Ludlam. Our parliament needs this hair, and the brain which lies beneath. If you do not vote for Senator Scott Ludlam radioactive weevils with deep-seated psychological problems will eat your brain. Or even worse, the Senate will be controlled by Tony Abbott and his coalition of evil flying monkeys.

 VOTE (1) SCOTT & GARY. You won't be sorry.

Now. Some important tips:

(a) If you turn up in tee shirt and jeans, apologizing for having left your dinner suit at the cleaners, this will not necessarily count as an informal vote. We will just be quietly disappointed. You could have made an effort. This is as I said an important election. Would it kill you to at least wear a jacket and tie ?

(b) You cannot vote for this man, or for his hair. I know both of them are still all over the news, but he has nothing to do with this election. He is a former footballer who is sulking because his hair does not have its own Twitter account.

(c) Okay. Look, at least wear a clean shirt. Yes, one with a collar. What ? No I don't care if I sound like your mother. What's wrong with you people.

(d) Yes you could do with a haircut . If there's time.

F.A.Q


Which wine should I drink with this election ?  An excellent question. There are those who say elections should be a totally sober occasion and we must respect their opinions. While reaching for an unwooded Chablis. Only joking. Chablis may be okay for your run-of-the-mill by-election but this is a somewhat rarer phenomenon and calls for something like a fresh mouthy-but-respectful-underneath-it-all Beaujolais. And some of those little goats cheese pizzas. Maybe some dark chocolate. Oooh ooh, and how about some of those mandarin slices in aspic. Macadamia nuts would be nice also. No no. Forget all that. How about some Bluff oysters,  Polish Rye bread, and a barrel of Guinness. No, wait. What ? Oh right. That voting thing:

Do I have to live in WA ? Well, you know, theoretically. Some of the candidates do so it seems only fair the voters should as well. If you don't live in WA, why not ? It's a lovely place. I've been there. Get over there now. You could be on a beach in Fremantle by morning. Which is a lovely thought. If for some trifling reason this is not possible then here's what you do: contact all your friends in WA and threaten them that if they don't vote for Scott Ludlam you will fly over and spend the entire night reading poems you wrote when you were twelve. Poems about death. Some of them quite long. Dozens of them. Also threaten to bring along ten or eleven hours of video of your walking tour of Yorkshire slagheaps. And a few bottles of your parsnip wine.

Does Satan have a Twitter account ?  At last, a sensible question. I don't know that much about Twitter, but I can tell you that Justin Bieber has over fifty million followers. This may go some way towards answering your query.

What about preferences ?   This can get horribly complicated and if you make the wrong choices somebody called Tyrone who believes in alien lizard monsters and the right to carry spiky medieval weapons may be your next senator. I suggest you insist that your primary vote goes to Scott Ludlam and your preferences also go to him. This should add up. If they come over all difficult with you, simply vote for Scott and send all your preferences to me. If I get enough of them I can trade them in on a 1954 Jaguar XK 140. This is what we call a win win win situation.

So, off you go. Breakfast well. Vote early. Vote Well. And watch out for those scary flying monkeys.

Call me later & we'll take the XK 140 for a spin.