LATE BRAKING NEWS

Late Braking News

Action being taken today by the Australian Writers of Comedy Wackiness And Risible Drivel (AWCWARD)  against former foreign minister Bob Carr after he boasted of extensive self-parody in his recent book "I Want My Muesli Now". Writers claim that parody is their business, and that Bob Carr should stick to what he's good at - embarrassing Australia overseas.

The comedy writers intend to extend the legal fight, setting in motion a class action against all Australian politicians, with particular reference to the NSW Liberal party, and seeking specific damages from former Premier Barry O'Farrell, Senator Arthur Sinodinos, and PM Mr Tony Abbott.

"They're doing us out of a job", said Jeff Browett,  AWCWARD Victorian Branch Assistant Treasurer, who went on to explain: "It's basically a demarcation dispute. We're suing them for restraint of trade, practising comedy without a license, and some other legal and grown-up sounding things. Look at the facts : here's Barry at ICAC saying he doesn't remember being given a $3000 bottle of wine, next day someone turns up with a handwritten thank you note from Barry. He describes this 'a massive memory fail'. Brilliant stuff. Hilarious. He then resigns and Tony Abbot describes this is "an act of integrity unparalleled in the history of Australian politics". I nearly pissed myself. This is comedy, there's no getting away from it, and as such should be written by dues-paying members of our guild. We've got a living to make, and it's hard enough at the best of times. I've got a number of children, can't remember any of their names right at the moment, but they're all in very expensive rehab facilities and I've got bills to pay."

"It's got to stop", said Mr Browett; "Bloody Bob Carr writes several hundred pages of risible drivel, including the killer joke about complaining to Lufthansa about the lack of subtitles on an opera on the inflight entertainment, a bloody OPERA and not even an associate member due paid to our guild. Bloody outrageous. If this sort of bullshit keeps up I'll be getting into politics myself. And I tell you what mate, I'll forget anything you want forgotten. However you need to know that I don't drink, so if some grateful business associates delivers three thousand bottles of home-brand mineral water to my place, there's a fighting chance I'll notice."

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

HOW TO NOT SHOOT TAYLOR SWIFT

Image
  SWIFT EXIT STITCH IN TIME FOR TAYLOR Narrow escape today for pop diva Taylor Swift after she cleverly avoided being in Kansas City for the giant piss-up occasioned by the KFC ( Kansas Fucking Chiefs ) winning a well-attended football game of some sort. It was the third year in a row the KFC had won and the fans seemed reasonably pleased. We understand Taylor Swift's boyfriend du jour is a valued member of the KFC  team and played an excellent game, causing the normally reserved Ms Swift to let out an excited squeal. We can neither confirm nor deny that Travis received the customary backseat of the limo passionate-but-chaste-embrace as the happy couple sped to the airport, sending her swiftly on her way to Australia where she will stage a number of wildly successful and very long concerts. Back to the carnage. Three shooters opened fire on the huge crowd, many of whom were not yet paralytically drunk All three were eventually quickly captured and arrested and advised of their righ
Read more

LEST WE FORGET © ANZAC 2019 ™ ®

Image
Of course I fought at Gallipoli. I was only a fetus, so I had to lie about my age. And my height. I had to lie about a lot of things. I hated the taste of beer and I didn't know the words to Waltzing Matilda, but I was buggered if I was going to let that stand in the way of dying for my country. Or someone else's country. War isn't supposed to make sense. They say the first casualty of war is truth. In my case the first casualty of war was a Louis Vuitton trunk containing my best dinner suit, three ounces of Turkish opium, and a particularly fine collection of Persian erotica. Sunk without trace after a luggage tender capsized at Alexandria. A tragedy. I was on my way to Paris to cover the war as a freelance correspondent and I had no idea of the horrors I was to face. Without a decent dinner jacket. You people have no idea. Gallipoli. It was hell. When I say I fought at Gallipoli, I really mean I saw action at Gallipoli. Well, I mean I saw some photos of the plac
Read more

HOW TO GIVE UP SMOKING

Image
      First, have a cigarette. It's probably best to wake up first, but I have been known to have a cigarette immediately before awakening or even before. Now dig out those barely-out-of-date nicotine patches you bought three years ago after chain smoking three packs of Marlboro Red at a party in Rehab. Apply liberally to the chest and upper arm areas. I know it says only one, but what sort of a wimp are you ? Go hard or go home. And check out the Krusty the Clown instructional video on YouTube. He recommends 15 - 20 at a time, at least until your body gets used to it. Now, by this time the patches will have kicked in, flooding your bloodstream with nicotine, fear, and anxiety. You may feel the need for a cigarette at this stage. I know I do, but I promised myself I wouldn't have one until I'd finished this blog. You could be in luck - this night be a short piece. Anyway, after that cigarette, don't have any more. Simple.
Read more