RIGHT ROYAL VISIT
The young Royals have a lot to live up to. This is what happened when The Queen and The Prince Phillip visited a couple of years ago. Mayhem and everything. A Right Royal Visit indeed. Lift your game Will & Kate:
How anyone can describe this royal visit as boring is a mystery to the staff here at ALIAS POOR YORICK. We are abuzz and agog. Especially Royal Reporter-at-Large Paul Yorick...
We joined the Queen & Prince Phillip last night at Trades Hall for the Rain dance & Crop blessing ceremony. Jacked up on crack and rum, the royal couple daubed the traditional possum-blood stripes on their faces before sacrificing a goat, three mice, and Derryn Hinch in order to ensure bountiful crops for next year. The ceremony concluded with the crowd & the Royals joining in an a capella version of Khe Sanh.
Then it was into the ceremonial stolen EH wagon for a red-light-crashing drive down to Fitzroy St & some serious pool hustling at Benny's Bennies & Benzos All Nite Pool Parlour where Prince Phillip took about four hundred bucks off a couple of local hipster-douchbag hustlers.
The royal couple described the night as "choice" and "awesome", possibly confused into thinking they were already in New Zealand
The next day it was off filming with the boys from The Chaser as they captured HRH trying to knight Malcolm Turnbull "just for a laugh". "Cripes bloke" she said to me, " You should've seen his face. What a pisser"
Then it was off to the Monbulk RSL for tequila shots and swapping bullshit war stories, before joining PM Gillard for line-dancing at the Coach & Horses in Ringwood.
Now it's not really appropriate for this royal reporter to suggest that HRH & HRH were a tiny bit pissed by the time they got to the state dinner at Government House that night, but they were a tiny bit pissed by the time they got to the state dinner that night. Which might account for Her Majesty calling Lord Mayor Robert Doyle a total fucking tool for the way he handled the Occupy Melbourne thing & telling him he should try taking his hand off it. And about Prince Phillip's planking endeavours on the balcony outside the second story bathroom, the less said the better. Naked is not a good look on a ninety-yr-old man.
After dinner & a brief visit from an unidentified motorcycle courier, there was a royal rally and we headed down to Johnson St for tapas and tango. The HRHs pulled off a creditable second place in the Rumba competition & the Duke sat in with the band for half an hour. Conga madness. What a party animal.
The last I saw of them was after I dropped them off at a gay bar in Prahran at about six am. Phillip reckoned they'd be cool for a lift to the airport later in the morning. And why not. So many men in leather - someone must own a motorbike.
I spent about thirty-six hours with these party people and I'm rooted. All I can say is watch out New Zealand : hide your drugs and lock up your sons & your daughters. The Royal Couple are on the last leg of their Hellfire tour and they're good to party like it's 1899. You have been warned.
See you in detox
How anyone can describe this royal visit as boring is a mystery to the staff here at ALIAS POOR YORICK. We are abuzz and agog. Especially Royal Reporter-at-Large Paul Yorick...
We joined the Queen & Prince Phillip last night at Trades Hall for the Rain dance & Crop blessing ceremony. Jacked up on crack and rum, the royal couple daubed the traditional possum-blood stripes on their faces before sacrificing a goat, three mice, and Derryn Hinch in order to ensure bountiful crops for next year. The ceremony concluded with the crowd & the Royals joining in an a capella version of Khe Sanh.
Then it was into the ceremonial stolen EH wagon for a red-light-crashing drive down to Fitzroy St & some serious pool hustling at Benny's Bennies & Benzos All Nite Pool Parlour where Prince Phillip took about four hundred bucks off a couple of local hipster-douchbag hustlers.
The royal couple described the night as "choice" and "awesome", possibly confused into thinking they were already in New Zealand
The next day it was off filming with the boys from The Chaser as they captured HRH trying to knight Malcolm Turnbull "just for a laugh". "Cripes bloke" she said to me, " You should've seen his face. What a pisser"
Then it was off to the Monbulk RSL for tequila shots and swapping bullshit war stories, before joining PM Gillard for line-dancing at the Coach & Horses in Ringwood.
Now it's not really appropriate for this royal reporter to suggest that HRH & HRH were a tiny bit pissed by the time they got to the state dinner at Government House that night, but they were a tiny bit pissed by the time they got to the state dinner that night. Which might account for Her Majesty calling Lord Mayor Robert Doyle a total fucking tool for the way he handled the Occupy Melbourne thing & telling him he should try taking his hand off it. And about Prince Phillip's planking endeavours on the balcony outside the second story bathroom, the less said the better. Naked is not a good look on a ninety-yr-old man.
After dinner & a brief visit from an unidentified motorcycle courier, there was a royal rally and we headed down to Johnson St for tapas and tango. The HRHs pulled off a creditable second place in the Rumba competition & the Duke sat in with the band for half an hour. Conga madness. What a party animal.
The last I saw of them was after I dropped them off at a gay bar in Prahran at about six am. Phillip reckoned they'd be cool for a lift to the airport later in the morning. And why not. So many men in leather - someone must own a motorbike.
I spent about thirty-six hours with these party people and I'm rooted. All I can say is watch out New Zealand : hide your drugs and lock up your sons & your daughters. The Royal Couple are on the last leg of their Hellfire tour and they're good to party like it's 1899. You have been warned.
See you in detox
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