ALIAS POOR YORICK

First, an apology for having taken so long between posts. We were waiting for parts from Sydney. As you no doubt know, it's traditional for ferret families to begin celebrating the festive season by issuing newsletters telling friends and family something about their year. These are called newsletters. It's been a year all right by golly oh yes for the Nigel Ferret family. I continue to work in the syntax department at Ampersand, and apart from those wildcat outbreaks of split infinitives back in August and September it's been a happy and productive year. I'm looking at a shift to anagrams next year. Insert own joke here. My lovely wife Nigel is currently working as an associate producer on "Australia's Got Ferrets" but we're both concerned about her future there after the network put it up against "MasterFerret" which is going gangbusters since introducing elimination rounds where contestants are actually shot. Still, she can always go...

I knew we were in trouble when our lead singer Rome wanted to change the band's name to "An unnecessary assassination in Prague on an Autumn afternoon" Then he wanted to call the album "The Album". It was bad enough that our bass player now wanted to be known only as @. His email address was a bastard, and if he ever finds a provider called @, I think every single email in the universe will be diverted to him. A weird Internet black hole. Anyway we'd roughed out the album on acoustic guitars and reindeer skulls in mid-winter in Upsala  over a month. Just to make sure we were all on the edge of suicidal depression. We had planned to go mix it on solar-powered laptops on a fresh-food commune in Tahiti, except the hippy princess poofs running the place couldn't guarantee a decent supply of ketamine, so that fucked that. Rome was also insisted he could only do his vocals while being urinated on by an alpaca (a female of course, it's not like he...

Channel Ten has it's fingers crossed for a ratings frenzy with the much-hyped MasterFerret. And I'll have to tell you, I've had my doubts. This particular murky corner of the reality-tv cosmos has become overpopulated of late with, well, to call it mixed success would be kind.....  It kind of hit the ground in a flying coma with Junior Australian Celebrity Apprentice MasterChef, which saw some dazed waif called Bliss Peartree d'Artagnan wandering round with a bucket of ricotta, a pack of raw potato chips, and a terrified expression muttering "Help me oh help me Superstar Goddess Aphrodite, I'm paralyzed by existentialist angst & spiritual confusion. Oh God oh God Oh Goddess" One of the judges explained all she really had to do was deep-fry the chips in low fat oil, but to no avail. I had no idea who this embryonic superstar was until my friend explained she was a featured extra in a beach scene in Home & Away. And had a speaking part in a Just Je...

This week bought to you by the Rev Vin Zinfandel of Our Lady of  Perpetual Disconcobulation in Boronia ... Good evening and thank you for this opportunity to share a few thoughts with you over the Internet. A broad church indeed. And as I always say to my flock, I'm not so much a High Anglican as a "Hi" Anglican. I like to feel we make everyone feel welcome here at our Lady of Perpetual Disconcobulation, even Presbyterians. That's just how I roll. Now I like to talk to God on a regular basis, sometimes on your behalf, and sometimes just for fun.   Years ago I said to him I said "God" because that's his name and it suits him I think but I digress, I said God here's the deal " I'll save souls for you if you save a case of Sauvignon Blanc for me". And God said nothing. Nothing at all. And as you all know, that's God's way of saying yes. Before I go on I would like to thank our parishioners for meeting our church steeple restora...

I once said to you "You want the truth ? You can't handle the truth".Or was that Jack Nicholson ? Or just someone who looked like him ? It's all a bit confusing, isn't it ? Well relax, because now all can be told . "You want the truth ? You can't understand the truth ! Or something like that. Let me explain .. It's been a difficult couple of weeks and I apologise for not having got back to you sooner but the fact is I discovered the pink streaks in my hair did NOT MATCH the pink of my ugg boots. Imagine my total embarrassment, mortification and shame, as we say here on the brutal streets of Boronia. I have NOT BEEN ABLE TO SET FOOT OUT OF THE HOUSE IN A MONTH. No trips down to the Internette Laundrette to blog. Nothing. I am never trusting Krystyne down at "Rooted" with my hair ever ever again. Like never. So anyway I've got all these like really important truths to tell you. This'll explain everything. Hang on, I'll get my not...

You meet someone who's email address is marshmellow_munchkin (no, really) You are morally obliged to :                                           (A) Report them to the authorities                                           (B) Taser them                                           (C) Beat them to death with a pink fluffy toy       ...

Hello. As you were. Pay attention. Senator Lord Major-General Christopher "Sane-as-the-next-member-of-the-House-of-Lords" Monckton here. Please arise. I know I should make you stay kneeling there for the duration but I have rather a stiff neck and I spend most of my time looking down on people anyway. Where was I ? That's right. As I was saying, extensive scientific research has proved that I am right about pretty much everything, and you are a snivelling little irrelevance. As you will know if you have half a brain and I know that excludes most of you but never mind that listen up. Where was I ? Ah yes. At Oxford being brilliant but that was a long time ago and on reflection it may have been Cambridge. Shut up. I am a unique and brilliant man and am not to be bothered with trivial details. I'm here in Australia to take up my hereditary seat in the Upper House of your fine country. Australia, isn't it ? That's what Gina told me. By right granted to me in the...