Sermon on the Mouse

This week bought to you by the Rev Vin Zinfandel of Our Lady of  Perpetual Disconcobulation in Boronia ... Good evening and thank you for this opportunity to share a few thoughts with you over the Internet. A broad church indeed. And as I always say to my flock, I'm not so much a High Anglican as a "Hi" Anglican. I like to feel we make everyone feel welcome here at our Lady of Perpetual Disconcobulation, even Presbyterians. That's just how I roll. Now I like to talk to God on a regular basis, sometimes on your behalf, and sometimes just for fun.

  Years ago I said to him I said "God" because that's his name and it suits him I think but I digress, I said God here's the deal " I'll save souls for you if you save a case of Sauvignon Blanc for me". And God said nothing. Nothing at all. And as you all know, that's God's way of saying yes.

Before I go on I would like to thank our parishioners for meeting our church steeple restoration target of $50,000, & so I will desist from posting any more signs outside the Church saying "Make Jesus Your Faithbook Friend". A promise is a promise. And here's another promise ....

God moves in a mysterious way, and so will you after our special Gold Class Cognac Communion. 10pm every Saturday. Bring your Amex card and all your sins !

As the peops of my parish can attest, I have done extensive missionary work in the Napa Valley in California, in the Barossa here in Australia, and years in the north of Italy & the South of France. Right now I'm looking to save some souls in Marlborough region of that lovely heathen but sunny and well-watered country New Zealand. Watch out Cloudy Bay, God and I have plans for you. Where was I ? Oh right, talking with God. And I'm reminded of part of a recent conversation I had with my main man. The Cosmic CEO....

I said to him "God" I said, because that is after all his name and we are not after all stuck with one of those old-fashioned religions where you cannot mention the name of God without everything going to Hell if you'll excuse the somewhat clumsy metaphor. Where was I ? Ah yes. God . Omniscience. Omnipotent. .. what ? yes I will thanks, just a small one .. oh for God's sake man you've barely dampened the glass, here give me that. Where was I ? Ah yes.  Can God be omniscient and at the same time not get Glee ? God assures me this is absolutely possible. Is there anything else that you, God, simply do not understand ?" I asked him." Yes," he said. "Junior MasterChef. Seriously. What the fuck ?"

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

HOW TO NOT SHOOT TAYLOR SWIFT

Image
  SWIFT EXIT STITCH IN TIME FOR TAYLOR Narrow escape today for pop diva Taylor Swift after she cleverly avoided being in Kansas City for the giant piss-up occasioned by the KFC ( Kansas Fucking Chiefs ) winning a well-attended football game of some sort. It was the third year in a row the KFC had won and the fans seemed reasonably pleased. We understand Taylor Swift's boyfriend du jour is a valued member of the KFC  team and played an excellent game, causing the normally reserved Ms Swift to let out an excited squeal. We can neither confirm nor deny that Travis received the customary backseat of the limo passionate-but-chaste-embrace as the happy couple sped to the airport, sending her swiftly on her way to Australia where she will stage a number of wildly successful and very long concerts. Back to the carnage. Three shooters opened fire on the huge crowd, many of whom were not yet paralytically drunk All three were eventually quickly captured and arrested and advised of their righ
Read more

LEST WE FORGET © ANZAC 2019 ™ ®

Image
Of course I fought at Gallipoli. I was only a fetus, so I had to lie about my age. And my height. I had to lie about a lot of things. I hated the taste of beer and I didn't know the words to Waltzing Matilda, but I was buggered if I was going to let that stand in the way of dying for my country. Or someone else's country. War isn't supposed to make sense. They say the first casualty of war is truth. In my case the first casualty of war was a Louis Vuitton trunk containing my best dinner suit, three ounces of Turkish opium, and a particularly fine collection of Persian erotica. Sunk without trace after a luggage tender capsized at Alexandria. A tragedy. I was on my way to Paris to cover the war as a freelance correspondent and I had no idea of the horrors I was to face. Without a decent dinner jacket. You people have no idea. Gallipoli. It was hell. When I say I fought at Gallipoli, I really mean I saw action at Gallipoli. Well, I mean I saw some photos of the plac
Read more

HOW TO GIVE UP SMOKING

Image
      First, have a cigarette. It's probably best to wake up first, but I have been known to have a cigarette immediately before awakening or even before. Now dig out those barely-out-of-date nicotine patches you bought three years ago after chain smoking three packs of Marlboro Red at a party in Rehab. Apply liberally to the chest and upper arm areas. I know it says only one, but what sort of a wimp are you ? Go hard or go home. And check out the Krusty the Clown instructional video on YouTube. He recommends 15 - 20 at a time, at least until your body gets used to it. Now, by this time the patches will have kicked in, flooding your bloodstream with nicotine, fear, and anxiety. You may feel the need for a cigarette at this stage. I know I do, but I promised myself I wouldn't have one until I'd finished this blog. You could be in luck - this night be a short piece. Anyway, after that cigarette, don't have any more. Simple.
Read more