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Hello. As you were. Pay attention. Senator Lord Major-General Christopher "Sane-as-the-next-member-of-the-House-of-Lords" Monckton here. Please arise. I know I should make you stay kneeling there for the duration but I have rather a stiff neck and I spend most of my time looking down on people anyway. Where was I ? That's right. As I was saying, extensive scientific research has proved that I am right about pretty much everything, and you are a snivelling little irrelevance.
As you will know if you have half a brain and I know that excludes most of you but never mind that listen up. Where was I ? Ah yes. At Oxford being brilliant but that was a long time ago and on reflection it may have been Cambridge. Shut up. I am a unique and brilliant man and am not to be bothered with trivial details. I'm here in Australia to take up my hereditary seat in the Upper House of your fine country. Australia, isn't it ? That's what Gina told me. By right granted to me in the 1903 Confusion to the Colonies Act, as a proper hereditary Lord of England I can sit and vote as a senator pretty much any time I like. And I can tell you I'll be voting against this preposterous Carbon Tax. It's rubbish. I know this because Gina told me and she is a pretty smart woman who has closely studied the whole thing. If you don't believe me, look at how much money she's got. So there.
Look of course there's climate change. And a jolly good thing too. Especially where I come from. Average temp this summer in England ? 13 bloody degrees. Bring it on I say.
Whenever my brilliant theories are questioned I like to remind people that I have a degree in Classics and suggest we might meditate on the words of Ovid who said:
"If you're trying to sell a duck and you haven't got a duck, sell them a chicken and tell them it's a duck. If you haven't got a chicken, even better - tell them it's an invisible duck and charge them double"
...What's that ? No darling I told you - I don't have to take the medication anymore, I'm a Viscount !
As you will know if you have half a brain and I know that excludes most of you but never mind that listen up. Where was I ? Ah yes. At Oxford being brilliant but that was a long time ago and on reflection it may have been Cambridge. Shut up. I am a unique and brilliant man and am not to be bothered with trivial details. I'm here in Australia to take up my hereditary seat in the Upper House of your fine country. Australia, isn't it ? That's what Gina told me. By right granted to me in the 1903 Confusion to the Colonies Act, as a proper hereditary Lord of England I can sit and vote as a senator pretty much any time I like. And I can tell you I'll be voting against this preposterous Carbon Tax. It's rubbish. I know this because Gina told me and she is a pretty smart woman who has closely studied the whole thing. If you don't believe me, look at how much money she's got. So there.
Look of course there's climate change. And a jolly good thing too. Especially where I come from. Average temp this summer in England ? 13 bloody degrees. Bring it on I say.
Whenever my brilliant theories are questioned I like to remind people that I have a degree in Classics and suggest we might meditate on the words of Ovid who said:
"If you're trying to sell a duck and you haven't got a duck, sell them a chicken and tell them it's a duck. If you haven't got a chicken, even better - tell them it's an invisible duck and charge them double"
...What's that ? No darling I told you - I don't have to take the medication anymore, I'm a Viscount !
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