NO SHIRT SHERLOCK




It was a day like any other day, except it was dark, so it may have been night. You notice things like that in my game. You have to. I was in my office. I had no idea what was going on. I work best like that. I lit a cigarette and poured a large scotch - it's important to have a proper breakfast. It'd been a long dull week punctuated only by bursts of extreme boredom and I felt like slapping someone. There was no-one around so I slapped myself. And I liked it.

Just then a woman stumbled into the office, which was something of a relief because I was sick of slapping myself. And four word sentences. Besides, this story was going nowhere and I'd been there before. This dame was quite something. She had long blonde legs that went all the way to the ground and straight back up again with only a brief pause for an espresso and a cigarette. She was beautiful in a dangerous way, dangerous in a beautiful way,  and had eyes that said she was capable of microwaving your pet axolotl, and said it with an accent. One of those annoying sing-songy Dutch accents that make you want to slap people with a wheel of Edam. Or is that just me. Finally she spoke, which was lucky because my prose style was spinning completely out of control

"I'm looking for a private detective"

"You're in luck. I'm a private detective. I'll help you look"

"That doesn't make any sense"

"You'll get used to that"

She asked my name so I told her. I'm Bill Guess. And yes I do get called "Lucky". No, it never gets old. I cost $500 a day but if you like me on Facebook I don't charge expenses. Am I any good ? I'm unbelievable. She thrust a photo under my nose.

"Know them ?"

"Don't recognise anyone, lady. It's the dark glasses"

"They're not wearing dark glasses"

"I know, but I am"

As she snatched my Raybans I caught sight of those cold cruel eyes again. The ones that promised pain in a hundred different accents that all sounded German. I looked at the photo.  Of course I recognised them. Everyone in the know knew Doug "Differential Calculus" Silly, Jeff  "Binary Fission" Silly, and Frinton "The Complete Works of William Shakespeare" Silly. The Silly Gang. They once tried to rob a bank by staging a pop-up production of Jean-Paul Sartre's "Huis Clos" in the original French in the hope that the bank staff would become bored and slope off home, leaving the money unguarded. They would have got away with it if it hadn't been for the assistant manager hanging back to give them performance notes. The Lilydale Repertory Company has a lot to answer for. She wanted to know if I could find them

"What do you want these clowns for ?"

"I'm looking for a punchline"

"I know the feeling"

Turns out she had this joke that was completely out of control. The structure was shaky. She felt she'd lost the plot. Ditto. Then I remembered that for years I'd had this punchline stuck in my head. No idea what it was from. It needed a joke. She had a joke. I suggested a swap. And a hundred for my trouble. She agreed.

Great. Now we can all get some sleep.










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