IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE WHITE HOUSE? THE CONCESSION SPEECH YOU HAVEN'T BEEN WAITING FOR

PRESIDENT TRUMP (Left) AND MEDICAL ADVISER  RON DETERGENT





Good afternoon, Ladies and Germs, it's great to be here, really . Of course at my age it's great to be anywhere. So a man stopped me on the way in and he said Please sir, you gotta help me, I'm starving. I haven't had a bite all day. So I bite him.( CHUCKLE CHUCKLE COUGH ... you know it's not the joke, it's the way you tell it. I'm just a naturally funny guy I'm blessed. So many talents,They had to set aside special rooms in the White House just to fit them all in... TAKES OUT PHONE .."Hello Room Service ? Send up a room ... COLLAPSES INTO HYSTERICAL GIGGLES .. See it's funny because it's true. It's really true. I need more room. A whole room's worth ...HYSTERICAL ... Yeah I dropped some acid, a couple of tabs of acid before the show. I'm cool. I'm where at it is with the hypster bros dude. So.

So how's everyone going ? All right ? Anybody here died today from the Covid  ? No ? No; Of course not, and you know why ? It's because of me. A god-like being with extraordinary and stable powers of genius and detection and I've worked out what's going on here. It's not the Coveffevirus that kills you, it's the fake news and the evil lying Democrats. They're doing to make me look bad. So listen, you know what to do. If you get the covidius, don't die. Simple. Just don't die.

Four years ago, I promised to make America tall and rectangular and duck-egg blue. And I knew we could do it if we didn't let facts get in the way. I mean really, who needs them. Facts are for faggots and niggers and liberal commie bastard Demcrat murders. Facts are just fucked. People are saying I lost the election and it's a fact. I say Covfeeve to that. I won. Big. Biggie Bigs DJ Don they call me. aND YOU KNOW WHY ? Cos it's true. And actual fact. Not like these made up ones we get from scientists and that. Facts are fucked man. 

When the Chinese invaded Pearl Harbour in 1942 did the facts help  ?  No.  Facts don't blow up ships and tanks and stuff. No we needed arms. Bigly. I was there/ I told them what to do.

And just last year when all those storms and hurricans and stuff came. Did the facts help ? No because they all got wet. Stupid Dems and Fake News outlets just don't get it. Facts aren't waterproof.

 Four years ago, I promised to make every American purple, translucent and rich beyond the dreams of ordinary men.  I've done just that. People, Americans, are sick of winning. Sick of it. They come up to me and say President Trump. Sir. Lord. Can we stop winning so much. And then those dangnabbit Chinese prevocators come here with their sneaky shiny invisible germs and try to kill us. What help are your facts now you lying scumbag child-murdering drug-dealing Dems . I don't like any of their facts and you know why ? Because they're stupid and smelly and most of them have girl-germs all over them. You don't want them. Stick with me. I'll buy you a pony. And some guns. And a pickup truck.

Don't get me wrong, this is very serious. People are going to die who have never died before. And you know who cares ? I do. If you die, you will be informed by your nearest department of health official. And you'll be told what to do next. We have everything under control. We\re going to be making America duck-egg blue and just plain dandy. Weather's gonna be great.

Now there's still some crap going round and it really makes my blood boil. Liars fools and cowardly poltroons are saying some guy called Joey Biden has allegedly won the election. Rigged of course. Massive fraud. Anyway I'm not one to make a fuss, never have been, never will be. 

So I'll be off. Me and the missus. Might try my hand in Vegas. I've had offers. Big impressive offers from people who know.

Two shows on a Thursday. Try the veel. Yours sincerely, Sir Donald Trump






Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

HOW TO NOT SHOOT TAYLOR SWIFT

Image
  SWIFT EXIT STITCH IN TIME FOR TAYLOR Narrow escape today for pop diva Taylor Swift after she cleverly avoided being in Kansas City for the giant piss-up occasioned by the KFC ( Kansas Fucking Chiefs ) winning a well-attended football game of some sort. It was the third year in a row the KFC had won and the fans seemed reasonably pleased. We understand Taylor Swift's boyfriend du jour is a valued member of the KFC  team and played an excellent game, causing the normally reserved Ms Swift to let out an excited squeal. We can neither confirm nor deny that Travis received the customary backseat of the limo passionate-but-chaste-embrace as the happy couple sped to the airport, sending her swiftly on her way to Australia where she will stage a number of wildly successful and very long concerts. Back to the carnage. Three shooters opened fire on the huge crowd, many of whom were not yet paralytically drunk All three were eventually quickly captured and arrested and advised of their righ
Read more

LEST WE FORGET © ANZAC 2019 ™ ®

Image
Of course I fought at Gallipoli. I was only a fetus, so I had to lie about my age. And my height. I had to lie about a lot of things. I hated the taste of beer and I didn't know the words to Waltzing Matilda, but I was buggered if I was going to let that stand in the way of dying for my country. Or someone else's country. War isn't supposed to make sense. They say the first casualty of war is truth. In my case the first casualty of war was a Louis Vuitton trunk containing my best dinner suit, three ounces of Turkish opium, and a particularly fine collection of Persian erotica. Sunk without trace after a luggage tender capsized at Alexandria. A tragedy. I was on my way to Paris to cover the war as a freelance correspondent and I had no idea of the horrors I was to face. Without a decent dinner jacket. You people have no idea. Gallipoli. It was hell. When I say I fought at Gallipoli, I really mean I saw action at Gallipoli. Well, I mean I saw some photos of the plac
Read more

HOW TO GIVE UP SMOKING

Image
      First, have a cigarette. It's probably best to wake up first, but I have been known to have a cigarette immediately before awakening or even before. Now dig out those barely-out-of-date nicotine patches you bought three years ago after chain smoking three packs of Marlboro Red at a party in Rehab. Apply liberally to the chest and upper arm areas. I know it says only one, but what sort of a wimp are you ? Go hard or go home. And check out the Krusty the Clown instructional video on YouTube. He recommends 15 - 20 at a time, at least until your body gets used to it. Now, by this time the patches will have kicked in, flooding your bloodstream with nicotine, fear, and anxiety. You may feel the need for a cigarette at this stage. I know I do, but I promised myself I wouldn't have one until I'd finished this blog. You could be in luck - this night be a short piece. Anyway, after that cigarette, don't have any more. Simple.
Read more