RICKY MUIR'S DAIRY



Wed 2nd July

 Got to Canberra. Exciting being a senator. Shouldn't have bought the kids along for the ride. Two of them threw up as we drove through Goulburn. Can't say I blame them, but. Met one of the other new senators, Jeff from the Ice Cream Headache party, you know, the blogging bitcoin billionaire. He told me if I really want to impress Tony Abbott when I meet him I should lick him on the face. He reckoned this is sort of like a secret language among politicians and it'd show him I know what's what. He was right. I tried it and Tony looked pretty surprised about how much I was in the know already.

Thurs 3rd July

 Had a breakfast meeting with my new mate Clive Palmer. I licked him on the face and he didn't seem impressed at all. I'm starting to wonder just how much he really knows about politics. I asked him if I could drive his Rolls and he said no. Starting to wonder just how much of a mate he really is.

Fri 4th July

 Had a bottle of Wild Turkey for breakfast to impress my American mates. 4th of July, dude. Then I remembered I didn't have any American mates. Ah well. What are you gonna do. They had some intro stuff for us new Senators. I was briefly reminded of what Cicero said of the Roman Senate. Very very briefly. Had a surprisingly intimate conversation with one of the PUP senators, but I was able to reassure him there was nothing to be ashamed of: I don't know of a single Aussie bloke who hasn't at some stage been sexually aroused by a Falcon GTHO. Asked Clive if I could drive his Rolls and he said no again.

Sat 5th July

 Informal meetings with various power brokers. Geez. Working on a Saturday. Met that nice Scott Ludlam from the Greens and had a good chat about the macroeconomic ramifications of a 100% Renewable Energy Push, and then spent about half an hour talking about hair products. I had no idea I should be using a conditioner for the goatee. Steep learning curve here in Canberra! Asked Clive if I could drive his Rolls. Bastard said no.

Sun 6th July

Day off. Asked Clive if I could drive his Rolls. No. Again.

Mon 7th July

 Got sworn in as a Senator. Bloody proud. Met new Governor General Sir Peter Cosgrove who presided over the ceremony. I thought about licking his face there and then but decided to wait till afterwards when we were inside in a more private setting. It was a good decision as I don't think he's in on the whole secret language thing; he seemed a bit scared. I'm learning all the time. It's hard but it\s worth it. Went home to practice legislating. Rang Clive to see if I could borrow the Rolls. Nah.

Tues 8th July

 Got stuck straight into business. Saved ARENA which I'm pretty please about it. Okay first of all I did think we were saving the TV Sports channel, but when they told it was all about renewable energy I was all for it. I've always thought of myself as a bit of "Green" because why can't you be a "Green"with three V8 4WDs ? I want to save the environment too. Where else will I be able to tool around in. Makes sense to me. Asked Clive if I could drive the Rolls. Shit, it's not like I'm going to take it off-roading.

Wed 9th July

 Got totally confused about the Carbon Tax. Clive explained it all to me. Then Tony explained it all to me. Then John Madigan explained it all to me. Fuck he's a bit of a tool, isn't he ? How do people like him get elected to the Senate. Went to see Wagner's Gotterdammerung in the evening and I have it say it was just brilliant. Oh I know Wagner make some people uncomfortable, there's always that foreshadowing of the Nietzschean/Nazi Ubermensch, but really there's no escaping the sheer exhilaration of Wagner in full flight. Marvelous. Magnificent. Transcendent. Went back to Clive's office for a farting competition. I let him win. You'd think after that he'd let me borrow the Rolls, but no.

Thurs 10th July

 I have to say this has been a bloody exciting and fulfilling first week in Canberra. Couldn't stay for the whole of the day as I needed to get back for the Parma &a Pot Trivia Night down at my local, The Leper  & Pencil-Sharpener, but at least we managed to do the right thing about Carbon Tax. I'm still a bit fuzzy on the details, but that's okay I've always thought of myself as a Big Picture man. I am loving the opportunity to serve my fellow man like this. And I'm loving driving Clive's Rolls back home. Oh I suppose I should have asked him, but, you know ...xxx R.

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