CRICKET TEST



 F.Castro (Fast bowler) & Malcolm X (Opening Bat)





IF YOU WISH TO REMAIN IN THE AUSTRALIAN CRICKET TEAM, PLEASE ANSWER THE FOLLOWING  SIMPLE QUESTIONS:

1. The game you are paid an obscene amount of money to play is ...
 
  (a) So much better than working for a living
  (b) Hitting the roundy leather thing with the flat wooden stick type thing
  (c) Cricket

We know this seems like a real simple one, but humour us here. By the way, if you haven't ticked (c) Cricket, please go back and tick (c) Cricket. This is the correct answer. Let's please for everyone's sake at least pretend to be on the same page. Okay ...

2. Cricket is .... ?

    (a) warfare without the guns
    (b) a chance for a couple of dozen flannelled fools to ponce around shouting "Huzzah" and "Jolly good show Tarquin" for no apparent reason over several days.
    (c) as good a way as any to fill in time between tea-breaks

3. The leg wicket is ...

    (a) the left one
    (b) no, the right one
    (c) bugger I knew this when we first started

4.  Using either the Fibonacci sequence or St Anselm's ontological proof of God's existence as a philosophical platform from which to launch your discussion, write a 5000 word essay justifying your place in the Australian squad.

5.  Match fixing is ...

     (a) I have no idea what you're talking about
     (b) I have no idea what you're talking about
     (c) I have no idea what you're talking about

6.  Are you prepared to give 110% ?

     (a) Yes
     (b) Shit yes
     (c) Don't even for a single second think about pointing out that giving 110% is a logical impossibility. We bloody know that you little smart-arse. It's a figure of speech. It's about commitment and I'd have thought that after your execrable display last Saturday you might just take a good long hard look at yourself, oh I don't know why I bother I'll have you on that plane so bloody fast  ...

7.  Can any of you actually play cricket ?

8.  Yes I'm sorry, that was uncalled for. Well perhaps not uncalled for, but certainly unhelpful. You'll have to excuse me but I'm under a lot of pressure here. Yes I know that strictly speaking this isn't actually a question but you have to see things from my point of view. If you prick me, do I not bleed ?  If you lot keep losing by an inning and 170 runs how the hell am I supposed to explain this to the ACB. Help me out here you bastards ..

9.  All right. This is your last chance you simpering little fools. Can you at least beat New Zealand ?

    (a)  I dunno. I suppose.
    (b)  Does New Zealand play cricket ?
    (c)   We'll have to check with Warner Bros & Sir Peter Jackson

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