SORRY EXCUSE FOR AN APOLOGY



I know what you're thinking: he's given away this whole blogging empire thing to take up that offer of the lead role in the Warrigal Players revival of "Mame". And believe me, it was tempting. But it's not the truth.

We apologise. We're sorry. And there's really no excuse for it, which is why there's this excuse for it. And we'd like to apologise in advance for the poor quality of this excuse. What can I say, things have not been going well around here. You'll have noticed an absence of posts over the past seven weeks.

I blame my idiot nephew Tarquin for a start off. Out-sourcing our entire diphthong production to Uzbekistan was, not to put too fine a point on it, fucking insane. This is the last time I take a holiday in July. It was big fun but. Went on one of those reality-adventure holidays. Got to steal actual oil-tankers with actual Somali pirates. Cool as. Next year I'm off on a truly authentic trek to the North Pole. Poorly planned, you run out of provisions, eat your sled-dogs, and eventually die in the snow. How real is that ! I love holidays. But then I come back to chaos ! And look, I was tempted to kick and scream and have a few staff members flogged over it, but really, who hasn't fallen for some form of the Nigerian cheap consonant scam. We live and learn. But why in God's name the board voted to invest heavily in penguin-farming futures is just beyond me. Mind you they almost redeemed themselves by immediately passing a vote of no-confidence in themselves. Cretins.

I suppose I have to blame myself. We've spread ourselves a little thin - I sub-contracted one of our better writing teams to work on a stage musical in Britain, a spin-off from "Are You Being Served" called "It was so Cold My Vagina Nearly Froze to Death". And agreeing to work-up reality/sitcom with Julian Assange may not have been the wisest move.It's Hogan's Heroes meets Big Brother I said to them, and the idiots agreed to a pilot. Wasn't expecting that.

So I told you this was a pretty crappy excuse. Fact is we had a massive break- in a few days ago and all our best excuses were stolen by the Australian Olympic swimming team. Can't prove a thing of course, but who else would bother stealing shit like "The water was too wet" and "What do you expect, we were competing at night"

Anyway. Things are on the up and up. I've acted as any good media mogul would - thrown the managing director to the dogs, and fired the entire writing staff. I've hired a bright young American chap ( see photo above) to be a new creative director, and he's hot to trot..... oh look people. It's no good. I can't go on with these tragic and transparent lies. Fact is I've been sitting on Facebook for seven weeks playing Farmville. I grew a potato.

Sorry.










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