Welcome to New Zealand

                                                                             
                                  ARRIVAL CARD
                                    
  Please answer all questions, except that one about pikelets. It really shouldn't be there, it just seemed like a good idea at the time. Welcome to New Zealand, and hey, we don't make fun of your vowel sounds.

1. Are you visiting for the Rugby World Cup ?  (a) yes  (b) no  (c) why not, what's wrong with you, don't you like sport ?

Yeah okay, we know it's over but we had all these printed up about six months ago and we didn't want to waste them. Besides, we won that one. Pretty cool eh ? We beat the French

2. New Zealand is  ?   (a) awesome   (b) choice  (c) awesome and choice

3. Have you seen that show "Flight of the Concords" ? It's pretty funny, eh ? They're from New Zealand. Did you know that ? And Brett just won a best song Oscar. Awesome, eh ?  (a) Yes I know  (b) I'm sorry I have no idea what you're talking about, I'm from Latvia

4. The French are ?     (a) Complete fucking bastards who should remember
                                        that we have long memories

Before we get on with the rest of the questions I'd like to apologise for any delays today, there's just me on because my brother Graeme is off doing his exams to be a customs officer. Thanks for your patience. And please take it easy with Graham on the X-ray machine. He's always worried about being a bit of a short-arse but he'd kind of come to terms with it, and then last week he auditioned for that film and they told him he was too tall to be a hobbit  extra so he's feeling a bit conflicted. If you wanted you could give him a bit of a cuddle. He could use it. Okay:


5. Are you here to shoot a film with a budget of two hundred million dollars ?  (a) yes  (b) no  (c) oh go on please please, we'll give you tax breaks and you can have coffee with the Prime Minister or whatever you like and we'll even throw in some pikielets


6. So now you've been here for a little while, what do you think of New Zealand ?
    (a) it's great   (b) it's really great   (c) I feel a deep and abiding spiritual connection  with this glorious place and will find it difficult to leave.

That's awesome. Do you really mean it ? We love you


7. Can you lend us a couple of grand till Peter Jackson's next block-buster production ?      (a) Ah ....    ( b) Look I suppose so ....  (c) Pardon, je ne parle pas
                           l'Anglais


8. Oh go on bro, we're good for it, eh ?   (a) Okay  (b) Why sure. Is that enough ?


9. Now look we know this is a bit personal and we don't want to pry into but you're not a terrorist are you ? 'Cos we really couldn't have that, eh. It's not nice really and basically it's not fair to the others    (a) no   (b) yes, but I promise I will behave myself while I am in your beautiful and peaceful country

Okay. Well that's all right then I suppose. No. Good. There's just one last thing.


10. Do you promise never to refer to New Zealand as Hobbiton ?   (a) yes


Oh yeah well all right, come on in. I'll put the kettle on. Just put your stuff down over there.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

HOW TO NOT SHOOT TAYLOR SWIFT

Image
  SWIFT EXIT STITCH IN TIME FOR TAYLOR Narrow escape today for pop diva Taylor Swift after she cleverly avoided being in Kansas City for the giant piss-up occasioned by the KFC ( Kansas Fucking Chiefs ) winning a well-attended football game of some sort. It was the third year in a row the KFC had won and the fans seemed reasonably pleased. We understand Taylor Swift's boyfriend du jour is a valued member of the KFC  team and played an excellent game, causing the normally reserved Ms Swift to let out an excited squeal. We can neither confirm nor deny that Travis received the customary backseat of the limo passionate-but-chaste-embrace as the happy couple sped to the airport, sending her swiftly on her way to Australia where she will stage a number of wildly successful and very long concerts. Back to the carnage. Three shooters opened fire on the huge crowd, many of whom were not yet paralytically drunk All three were eventually quickly captured and arrested and advised of their righ
Read more

LEST WE FORGET © ANZAC 2019 ™ ®

Image
Of course I fought at Gallipoli. I was only a fetus, so I had to lie about my age. And my height. I had to lie about a lot of things. I hated the taste of beer and I didn't know the words to Waltzing Matilda, but I was buggered if I was going to let that stand in the way of dying for my country. Or someone else's country. War isn't supposed to make sense. They say the first casualty of war is truth. In my case the first casualty of war was a Louis Vuitton trunk containing my best dinner suit, three ounces of Turkish opium, and a particularly fine collection of Persian erotica. Sunk without trace after a luggage tender capsized at Alexandria. A tragedy. I was on my way to Paris to cover the war as a freelance correspondent and I had no idea of the horrors I was to face. Without a decent dinner jacket. You people have no idea. Gallipoli. It was hell. When I say I fought at Gallipoli, I really mean I saw action at Gallipoli. Well, I mean I saw some photos of the plac
Read more

HOW TO GIVE UP SMOKING

Image
      First, have a cigarette. It's probably best to wake up first, but I have been known to have a cigarette immediately before awakening or even before. Now dig out those barely-out-of-date nicotine patches you bought three years ago after chain smoking three packs of Marlboro Red at a party in Rehab. Apply liberally to the chest and upper arm areas. I know it says only one, but what sort of a wimp are you ? Go hard or go home. And check out the Krusty the Clown instructional video on YouTube. He recommends 15 - 20 at a time, at least until your body gets used to it. Now, by this time the patches will have kicked in, flooding your bloodstream with nicotine, fear, and anxiety. You may feel the need for a cigarette at this stage. I know I do, but I promised myself I wouldn't have one until I'd finished this blog. You could be in luck - this night be a short piece. Anyway, after that cigarette, don't have any more. Simple.
Read more