ZOOM AND GLOOM : ISO-LIFE: DAY 23

the covid19 diaries


7.49am: Woke up far too early. Keep having these terrible dreams where I have chronic insomnia, and then I wake up and can't back to sleep again for fear of being awake all night. It's a nightmare.

8.00am: Zoom meeting with spiritual advisor. Spiritual advisor refused to unmute me, told me that having four books of Rumi's poetry on the bookshelf next to a copy of Jonathon Livingstone Seagull  was bullshit and I should meditate more. Or less. Or was it masturbate Not quite clear as I was fiddling with Zoom back-drop of Kylie Minogue's bum.  Bill arrived for .0176 bitcoin. No cheques.

8.20am: Forgot how to make coffee. Made cup of instant while I tried to remember how to make  real coffee.

8.25am: Turned on Good Morning Sunrise Australia Mate with Biff, Blondie, Jonestown Massacre, and Gecko the weather reptile.

8.27pm: Overcome with inchoate rage and  suicidal impulses. Turned off Good Morning Sunrise Australia Mate after buying a set of Dyson bladeless knives for only four easy payments of $49.95. Thank God for this option. The four difficult payments would have killed me.

8.30am: Meditation. Have app called Rumi-nation. Get inspiring message every day at 8.31: Rumi says never take your goat onto the roof of your neighbour after the goat has been eating the figs of your uncle. Wow. The clarity. The compassion. I am at one with all, neither above nor below, and quite possibly just over there and up to the right.

9.30am: Zoom meeting with Harvard Law School Task Force Committee to launch class action against Trump on multiple counts of negligent homicide. May have dozed off during meditation and hallucinated this. Even so, I feel we have a good case.

11.00am: Turned on Studio 10 at 11 (till 12). Dr Kerri-Anne Kennerly and special guest Richard Wilkins  debating efficacy of Trump's plan to rename  Coronavirus  Chinese Bastard Flu, and how well this might sit within the context of Kant's Moral Imperative. Some of the things Richard Wilkins said were starting to make sense. Got very confused and frightened and switched to SBS Viceland where Trump's plan is being debated by two naked people on a tropical island who feel  Kant's ethical imperative may be too rigid given endemic uncertainty about actual metaphysical locations. I need a pumpkin scone and a cup of tea

12.30pm:  Overwhelming anxiety bought on by metaphysical uncertainty and  having to set up Zoom meeting for my local Alcoholics Anonymous  group. Accidentally drink three medicinal brandies to overcome the shakes on advice of new housemate who says he'sis a doctor.                                                                                                                                                     
12.50pm: Hopelessly anxious about calling Sponsor to tell him about bust, take 2 oxycodeine and a valium washed down with Coke Zero,,on the advice of new housemate. Accidentally ring old drug dealer. Easy mistake to make.Sponsors name John, dealer's name Zaphod. Names next to each other in phone

2.00pm Zaphod turns up with five grans of coke which he says is is free. Not completely certain I hallucinated this but on balance seems likely. Snort four of the five grams of cocaine and watch News in the Nude on SBS Viceland..

2.15pm:  Zaphod goes online, votes in US Presidential Primary in Dakota, then applies for political asylum. I take the dog for a walk and remember half an hour later that we do not have a dog. Well we didn't have one. Now we have an Australian terrier who wants to see references before he agrees to stay

2.55pm: Sponsor rings to ask how prep for zoom meeting is going. I pretend to be Welsh and tell him that I am not there. Pretty sure I got away with it. Housemate not a doctor. Has BEEN to the doctor.


5.00pm: Apply for job with Offtits Television as a quiz show zoom coordinator. Get the job.

5.10pm:: Start job. Log in. Lose all meeting data, Id's  and passwords. Take compassionate leave.

6.00pm:  Order Vegan pizza and two slabs of Carlsberg Elephant Beer. Watch porn till orders arrive.
Hey. Don't judge. Don't oppress me. It's locally-sourced, gender-fluid artisan porn with strong female characters, authentic narrative arcs, and energy-efficient lighting.

7.30pm: : Non-binary identifying pizza person arrives with order. Oh dear, we don't seem to have any money. What are we to do...

(Video available on Snapchat. Special offer, tonight only $5.99)








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