*Results may vary : Days of Whine and Ruses

PM TURNBULL REACTS TO LATEST POLLING FIGURES

 This Special Edition of *Results may vary is bought to you by the Narcolepsy Awareness Foundation. Have you been having trouble staying awake during this interminable election campaign ? I know we have. It feels like the whole office has been in some sort of coma/nightmare where absolutely nothing happens for days on end and then we start getting pictures of Turnbull and Shorten kissing dogs and Christopher Pyne starts singing "Jobs and Growth, Jobs and Growth" to a tune from Oklahoma and then Bill Shorten makes a speech and we all go back to sleep.. Or is that just me ? Should I stop having Beaujolais and Camembert for breakfast?

 God help us it's been a drizzle. I haven't been this bored since I got lumbered with Tony Abbott late one night in the Press Club on his third bottle of St Henri and crapping on about how he'd shaved four minutes off the bike-riding leg of the Triathlon by wearing special Lycra underpants that had been prayed over by Pope John Paul II.

 It's gotten so bad we've had to amuse ourselves by writing algorithms to differentiate the dull from the boring, multiply it by the actually massively uninteresting and factor in the number of times Barnaby Joyce has told one of his own constituents to fuck off and yes I'm sure there's a drinking game in there somewhere but really, none of this has helped. I've had to raid a meths lab in East Warburton twice to get enough drugs to keep the fact-checkers awake & one of my investigative reporters lodged an expenses claim for $1900 worth of double-shot espressos. Which I didn't mind so much, I just wish he hadn't felt the need to send a two thousand word SMS explaining the circumstances. We live in desperate and dull times people. We invited the Prime Minister to respond:

                                                                             


Hello and good evening, I am your Prime Minister the Lord High Right Wonderful Malcolm Turnbull and I'm here to talk to you tonight about how we can ginger things up a bit in this important but admittedly dull campaign. I have to confess I nearly fell asleep the other night as I was droning on about jobs and growth and how many extremely white teeth I have and good heavens that alone should qualify me to keep the highest job in the land, but I digress. Things are going to be different. We've had a look at things people like and we're going to bring DA funk. As the young people say. It is my solemn promise that the rest of the election campaign is going to feature naked women, lots of naked women, and dragons, and some sword fights. Did I mention the naked women. Shit loads of them. Maybe some of them on dragons fighting other naked women with swords. And I'll bring John Snow back to life and make him Minister for Immigration. But you have to promise to vote for us. Let's keep Austeros great. And if you ask nicely I'll sentence Barnaby Joyce to Death by Hedgehog.
And let's just keep policy right out of this. Shit like that just confuses people. You don't want shit like that in the middle of an election campaign.

                                                                       ******

                                                                   
GREENS POLICY STATEMENT ON UNEMPLOYMENT, SUPERANNUATION, ENVIRONMENT, & THE ARTS 

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