WARNE'S WORLD

CRICKETER/SEX-GOD SHANE WARNE
HIDES BEHIND LARGE TREE
 FOR A QUIET FAG AND A BOOTY CALL

During a recent appearance on "I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here" Shane Warne told one of the other cast members that "Evolution" was obviously a load of crap because look there's a monkey over there and it hasn't evolved into anything. Clearly we are descended from aliens who visited our planet long ago. Our editorial team here at "ALIAS POOR YORICK" is always interested in this sort of high-powered fearless intellectual exploration, so we sent a reporter to interview Mr Warne. No, not the journalist on Facebook responsible for claiming that Mr Warne had been in a relationship with Elizabeth Taylor and she'd been horrible to his children. No. A proper reporter who does Real Estate profiles and stand-up comedy show reviews and everything. Mr Warne refused a formal interview. saying he "did not wish to be press-ganged into any misquotes or distortions by members of the fourth or even fifth estate", but was prepared to offer us this statement.

Hooray for us.

" I have been asked here to expand on my thoughts on evolutionary theory, which I am more than happy to do. If time allows I may move on to the meta-linguistic difficulties in St Anselm's Ontological Proof of God's Existence, and how to pick up chicks with these three simple tricks. Daylight Savings is another topic which weighs constantly on the mind. Do we have enough of it ? Is it costing us too much? Where can we get more ? But back that Gordian knot later. Monkeys. Did we descend from them ?  Did we fuck. Of course we bloody didn't. Think about it. I mean take my ex Liz  Please! God I'm hilarious. No but seriously, we may have had our differences but she's a great chick. Class all the way up to her arse. I can't see her hanging round with a guy who's basically a baboon's great grandson. We might all want to think about that. No look, what makes much more sense to me is that we were visited by really smart aliens about a hundred thousand years ago and some of them lost their GPS devices and got left behind on earth and we are basically all related to them. Think about it. It makes sense, you know it does. Texting. I love texting. Aliens must have invented texting, I mean it's just not the sort of thing a monkey would think of. And cricket. Are you trying to tell me that millions of years ago fish crawled up out of the sea, grew legs, eventually became monkeys and then formulated the philosophical intricacies of the inside leg break ? I don't think so. Aliens, mate, that's your answer.

 I have heard talk that some person called God may or may not have had a hand in the matter but I really couldn't say. I've played cricket all round the world and I've never met the bloke, not even in India. Anyway I reckon we can figure this out for ourselves. Especially if, like me, you are lucky enough to have a nimble mind. Clearly this came from aliens. It all makes sense."




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