WE ARE AMUSED



From the desk of HRH Lord Sir Prince Philip, Earl of Grey, Duke of Course



Dear Jillaroos, Jackaroos, Jigaboos, and Piccaninnies of Australia,

Thank you so very much for this unexpected honour. You shouldn't have. No really, you shouldn't.  But I've always wanted one and it fits me and everything. Also, the colour suits me well. You beauts. You cobbers. Is that right ? Did I get that right ? I really should have consulted a young person like my son Charles, he knows your wonderful country better than I do. He spent some time there in a school in a tree hut or something. They told us it would be character-building. Made him drink his own urine. Or was that Bear Grylls - I always get those two confused.

Now I won't say this wasn't something of a surprise, and I'm a bit sketchy on the details of why exactly I am being honoured in this way, but I'm told it has something to do with my efforts to protect your country during the Franco-Prussian War of 1870-71 and also my ability to stand up very straight. I'm pleased this has finally been recognised as I have always been rather good at standing up straight and have done so on many and varied occasions over nine decades. I can only assume this was noticed by your Prime Minister Mr Toby Arnett on the few occasions we've met. He's a friendly chap, isn't he ? Spent a lot of time sniffing my knees and licking the back of my hand. One of your quaint antipodean customs I assume.

I miss India. I wish we hadn't had to give it back. Damn shame really. I was so young. Only went out  there a couple of times. Shot something biggish.

I'm sorry, I seem to have wandered off the point somewhat. But while I'm here wandering and waffling, can I just apologise for Andrew. HRH and I are just bloody furious with him. Taking his penis out in places where it doesn't belong and embarrassing us all like that. He needs to learn to keep his penis where it belongs. I have mine safely tucked away in a polished applewood box  in the gun room just below the Mauser deer-hunting rifles. We royals can't be too careful you know.

Thanks again for the knighthood, but if there's any more trouble we can always send it back. Calm things down a bit. One of the corgis pissed on it, but we've wiped it off and it's as good as new. We can have it in the next mail

Cheers, Phil








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