F.A.Q.

Of course there are questions. There are always questions. Especially when you publish a wildly successful comedy blog full of satirical insights, compassion, and wisdom. Or even this one. Questions like ...

 'Is this shit supposed to be funny?'  'Why is the sky blue?'  'I'm thinking about becoming gay, will I have to wear tight shiny shorts and dance all night in discos to Kylie Minogue songs?'  & 'What is metadata anyway?'

The answers by the way are (a) yes (b) because it's composed entirely of blue atoms (c) only if you're a boy &  (d) you'll have to ask George Brandis about that. For the sake of the younger and more impressionable in our audience, you'll want to make sure you match up the right answer with the right question here, and for our overseas listeners I should explain George Brandis. But I can't. George says he is the Attorney General in the current government, but in fact he is the minister for looking dodgy and waving his hands around in an agitated fashion. Listening to George Brandis define metadata is like listening to a fish explain how a fire-extinguisher works.

Back to the F.A.Q.s :

Will there be any more any more Lord of the Rings/Hobbit films ?

Of course there will. Peter Jackson hasn't turned New Zealand into a film set  just to stop now. Already filming is underway for "Hobbit: The Paving of Gandalf's Patio" and there are plans to move into the lucrative reality television market with "I'm Bilbo Baggins: Get me Out of Here" and "The Real Housewives of Hobbiton". And there's room for another joke in here. Help yourselves. This is the audience participation segment

Is it illegal to tweet pictures of one's knees to subordinates ? 

Dear Name supplied, you don't say whether or not you are running for public office. This may have some bearing. It's not so much the legality as the question of wisdom and taste. And look it varies from person to person. I myself suffer from the peculiar curse of having knees which are ridiculously attractive to members of both sexes, almost all mammals, a surprising number of reptiles, and even a few invertebrates, and because of this I have always felt it incumbent on me to refrain from fanning the flames, as it were. You have not included a picture of your knees so it's hard for me to make definite judgments. In such matters you should consult your conscience rather than your legal team.

Why are there no banjos on Star Trek ?

Because Star Trek is set in the future.

How do you manage when you are running short of new jokes ?

I just pad like crazy and hope no-one notices

Treasurer Joe Hockey thinks I may live to be 150. Will I still be able to afford to go to the doctor ?

Don't worry. Joe has a plan. If it looks like you might stagger past 110, he'll have you shot.

All right you smarmy bastard. Give me that money you owe me or else ?

Dear enraged creditor, I don't want to be too pedantic but that's hardly a question. More a threat really

Don't come the uncooked crustacean with me mate. Where's that money you owe me for all that grammar and punctuation what you bought ?

You raise a point. This is absolutely the last time we will ever be dealing with Arthur Daily's Pre-Loved Cars and Budget Grammar Services. The syntax we purchased from you disintegrated virtually as soon as we opened the packaging, the grammar overall was shoddy, and the punctuation was close to fraudulent. Your sales rep assured me that the "Cambridge" comma you would be supplying was every bit as good as an Oxford comma, and promised that if I tried it, it would make things funny.I did. It didn't. You are a charlatan and a swindler sir and you'll get no money from me.

Do you ever get into the middle of a blog and just have no idea where to go from there ?

I have no idea what you're talking about. I have to go now. Here is a picture of our new distribution manager.