I AM JOE'S DIARY

HEY JOE, WHERE YOU GOING WITH THAT GLUM

Dear Diary,

Dash it all I'm really cross, and a bit sad. Everyone's being simply beastly to me and it just isn't fair. All this bloody fuss over bloody bloody sodding poor people. I'm sorry I said they didn't have cars and even if they did they never drive very far and so the petrol tax wouldn't affect them. What I should have said was I hate the crappy cars that poor people own that I have to look at every day as I'm driven to work. Yesterday I had to look at three Hyundai Excels. Two of them were dirty and one of them was really rusty. It was horrible. And I saw an old FQ Holden being driven by a really old and unattractive person. I felt ill.  People just don't think about what I have to put up with.

And anyone with half a brain can see that most of these bloody bloody sodding poor people are deliberately staying poor so they don't have to shoulder their fair share of the tax burden. Leaners not lifters. Some of them are so lazy they don't pay any income tax at all. You bastards. Here I am doing my level best to lift this country out of a fictional but very serious slump and all I get is abuse ! So unfair. I never wanted this poxy job anyway. I should have been PM. How come bloody bloody sodding Tony Abbott got picked ahead of me that's what I'd like to know. Was it his warm smile and boyish good looks ? His easy charm ? His quick wit and faultlessly diplomatic style ? So unfair. I even promised to wear my ocelot-print mankini at the party conference. I know they must have noticed I've lost a fair bit of weight. I treat my body like a temple. Well, okay I guess I treat it more like a well-maintained four-star motel, but what more do these jackals want ?  I need a cigar.

And I will seriously crack it if I get any more crap about smoking cigars. Not only are these fair dinkum Fairtrade cigars, they are a symbol of our willingness to trade with a Cuban friends even if they are still at least nominally godless communists. Besides I have been assured that each cigar I smoke has been rolled on the downy inner-thigh of a work-for-the-dole teenager. I am giving them a job and self-respect. But do I get any credit ? No. So unfair.

Here I am stuck with collecting all the empty bottles for a refund to try and balance the budget while bloody bloody sodding Tony swans around the world impressing the Scottish and the Chinese with his wise and witty words. And I don't see him hanging about to take the phone calls from Gina Rinehart complaining it's been a whole year since she put us in office and still slavery's illegal. So unfair.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

HOW TO NOT SHOOT TAYLOR SWIFT

Image
  SWIFT EXIT STITCH IN TIME FOR TAYLOR Narrow escape today for pop diva Taylor Swift after she cleverly avoided being in Kansas City for the giant piss-up occasioned by the KFC ( Kansas Fucking Chiefs ) winning a well-attended football game of some sort. It was the third year in a row the KFC had won and the fans seemed reasonably pleased. We understand Taylor Swift's boyfriend du jour is a valued member of the KFC  team and played an excellent game, causing the normally reserved Ms Swift to let out an excited squeal. We can neither confirm nor deny that Travis received the customary backseat of the limo passionate-but-chaste-embrace as the happy couple sped to the airport, sending her swiftly on her way to Australia where she will stage a number of wildly successful and very long concerts. Back to the carnage. Three shooters opened fire on the huge crowd, many of whom were not yet paralytically drunk All three were eventually quickly captured and arrested and advised of their righ
Read more

LEST WE FORGET © ANZAC 2019 ™ ®

Image
Of course I fought at Gallipoli. I was only a fetus, so I had to lie about my age. And my height. I had to lie about a lot of things. I hated the taste of beer and I didn't know the words to Waltzing Matilda, but I was buggered if I was going to let that stand in the way of dying for my country. Or someone else's country. War isn't supposed to make sense. They say the first casualty of war is truth. In my case the first casualty of war was a Louis Vuitton trunk containing my best dinner suit, three ounces of Turkish opium, and a particularly fine collection of Persian erotica. Sunk without trace after a luggage tender capsized at Alexandria. A tragedy. I was on my way to Paris to cover the war as a freelance correspondent and I had no idea of the horrors I was to face. Without a decent dinner jacket. You people have no idea. Gallipoli. It was hell. When I say I fought at Gallipoli, I really mean I saw action at Gallipoli. Well, I mean I saw some photos of the plac
Read more

HOW TO GIVE UP SMOKING

Image
      First, have a cigarette. It's probably best to wake up first, but I have been known to have a cigarette immediately before awakening or even before. Now dig out those barely-out-of-date nicotine patches you bought three years ago after chain smoking three packs of Marlboro Red at a party in Rehab. Apply liberally to the chest and upper arm areas. I know it says only one, but what sort of a wimp are you ? Go hard or go home. And check out the Krusty the Clown instructional video on YouTube. He recommends 15 - 20 at a time, at least until your body gets used to it. Now, by this time the patches will have kicked in, flooding your bloodstream with nicotine, fear, and anxiety. You may feel the need for a cigarette at this stage. I know I do, but I promised myself I wouldn't have one until I'd finished this blog. You could be in luck - this night be a short piece. Anyway, after that cigarette, don't have any more. Simple.
Read more