Four Weddings and a Cabinet Meeting




Dear Australian Parliamentary Expense Account Register Review Committee,

I can explain everything. Really. But first, I have to say how much I love democracy. Especially Australian democracy. It's a brilliant and precious thing and worth fighting for. My grandfather lied about his age and died in two world wars for our particularly vital and valuable form of democracy. Yes, he died twice so that people like Mr Lafayette of the Runcible Spoon party could be voted into the Senate on .003% of the primary vote as long as his directed his preferences to the Third Party Fire &Theft Insurance Party and they in turn directed their preferences to the Guns & Tits Alliance. How can you not love a system like this.

 And as for me, well, as a result of being photographed in this safety gear and directing my preferences to the Ice-cream Headache Party while the coalition directed theirs to the Close Personal Friends of Satan Party at the same time as I stood quietly in a corner and clicked my ruby-red safety slippers together and said three times 'There's no place like Canberra' I have been retrospectively elected to the closely contested seat of Holden-Monaro in the lower house. I don't even remember standing officially but what the hell. Your humble CEO is now a MHR. Bring me my parliamentary credit card, I have work to do ( look I know I've lodged expenses totalling $27000 for writing this first paragraph but I had to go to Brussels to write it - they have fantastic pencils there)

Now, about the Maserati GranCabrio. This makes sound financial sense. And besides, one of my constituents said to me, he said, bloke, I just wouldn't feel right about being represented in parliament by a man who isn't driving a Maserati. And really, what's three hundred and seventy thousand bucks when it all boils down to it. Get a bloody grip people. It's not like I bought a Bugatti Veyron. Oh, right, I see you got the hire bill for Nurburgring.You know what you need to do, just covert it back into Euros, it sounds a bit less frightening that way. Well of course I needed to go there. You wouldn't want me bringing home a parliamentary Maserati without test-driving it properly. And yes I had a secret cabinet meeting while I was there. No I can't tell you who it was with or what it was about, that wouldn't make it very secret would it ? What cabinet ? Well obviously a shadow cabinet. Of some sort. As you know, I am my party's spokesman on pretty much fucking everything. Yes, like that nice Scott Ludlam. Okay sure his hair's nicer but hey I'm new around here. What's next ...

The credit card receipts from a number of expensive bordellos in Paris, Copenhagen, and Berlin ? I can explain that. They're credit card receipts from a number of expensive bordellos in Paris, Copenhagen, and Berlin. Business ? Hell yes. Tony Tony Tony said "Australia is open for business". What these folks are doing is the oldest business in the world. Clearly they are doing something right. I was there to learn. Really, I'm surprised I have to explain simple stuff like this.

What was I doing at Lady Gaga's wedding ?  Representing my country of course. If we want this great country of ours to stride confidently like a mighty colossus onto the world stage we have to look at the bigger cultural and economic picture. When the biggest star in the world decides to marry her piano, we need to be there. It wasn't just any old piano either, I mean it was an antique Steinway, and I know two hundred and fifty grand seems like a like a money to go to a wedding but I had to get a present. How would it have looked ?

Anyway, so you tell me that I've spent just over two million dollars in my first two months in parliament and you want to know how the hell I managed it. Sheer hard work people. Sheer bloody hard work.

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