HOW TO BE 60


A FIELD GUIDE TO THE EARLY STAGES OF LATE MIDDLE-AGE

The very first thing you need to do is start early. Pack a lunch, some dry socks and maybe something to read. Being sixty doesn't just happen overnight. But, most important of all, don't die. I know this seems terribly obvious but you'd be surprised how many miss this simple but vital step. You have to pay attention.

Of course there will always be accidents. True accidents for which you can't be blamed. Great chunks of frozen fish fall out of the sky, there's that random poisoning at a state banquet in Upper Volta, and how were you to know that the man driving the Hyundai that you gave the finger to was the Sergeant-at-Arms for the Bandidos. ( Please do not call these Acts-of-God. I've checked with God about this and he's gets a bit tetchy about the whole thing. He says this sort of stuff should more properly be called Acts-of-Gerry. Gerry is a miserable sod who lives in Melton and has nothing better to do than make bad stuff happen to people.)

But apart from these unfortunate and virtually unavoidable situations you do have some say in the matter.  You have to take care of yourself. Really. Oh I know we've all got some friend whose great-uncle Lafayette never exercised & used to shoot up heroin while drunk-driving his unroadworthy Cadillac at 190 kph and smoking three packs of camel a day and eating only cheezels and burnt steak and he lived to be a 107 and he buried three of his doctors. Sure. And look, here's a picture of a unicorn. And I'm not saying unicorns don't exist, but for the most part Uncle Lafayette is a mythological construct, like non-fraudulent financial offers from Nigerian royal families & a coherent climate-change policy from the current Australian government. My advice would be to pull over before you shoot up heroin, get the tyres checked on the Cadillac and have some salad with those Cheezels. Give yourself a fighting chance. We'll talk about exercise later. I don't want to frighten you.

You'll probably have questions at this stage, such as "Do I have to watch Midsommer Murders?"
& the answer is no, you don't have to, but you might want to. Scary, isn't it ?

People often also ask "should I smoke a pipe?", "will a cardigan be required?" , and "do I have to stop calling people 'dude'?", and the answer is no, no, and seriously dude, no-one's called anyone dude since 1994. Stop that already.

Sixty is a strange age when people, especially male people, can oscillate wildly between acting out on mid-life crisis fantasies and reaching for a more spiritual way of life. Ringing me up and saying "Dude, God told me to buy a Ferrari" is not the result of  spiritual experience. It is the result of having wine and cheese for breakfast. And I told you never to call me dude. Now you'll have to go now, I need a nap.




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

HOW TO NOT SHOOT TAYLOR SWIFT

Image
  SWIFT EXIT STITCH IN TIME FOR TAYLOR Narrow escape today for pop diva Taylor Swift after she cleverly avoided being in Kansas City for the giant piss-up occasioned by the KFC ( Kansas Fucking Chiefs ) winning a well-attended football game of some sort. It was the third year in a row the KFC had won and the fans seemed reasonably pleased. We understand Taylor Swift's boyfriend du jour is a valued member of the KFC  team and played an excellent game, causing the normally reserved Ms Swift to let out an excited squeal. We can neither confirm nor deny that Travis received the customary backseat of the limo passionate-but-chaste-embrace as the happy couple sped to the airport, sending her swiftly on her way to Australia where she will stage a number of wildly successful and very long concerts. Back to the carnage. Three shooters opened fire on the huge crowd, many of whom were not yet paralytically drunk All three were eventually quickly captured and arrested and advised of their righ
Read more

LEST WE FORGET © ANZAC 2019 ™ ®

Image
Of course I fought at Gallipoli. I was only a fetus, so I had to lie about my age. And my height. I had to lie about a lot of things. I hated the taste of beer and I didn't know the words to Waltzing Matilda, but I was buggered if I was going to let that stand in the way of dying for my country. Or someone else's country. War isn't supposed to make sense. They say the first casualty of war is truth. In my case the first casualty of war was a Louis Vuitton trunk containing my best dinner suit, three ounces of Turkish opium, and a particularly fine collection of Persian erotica. Sunk without trace after a luggage tender capsized at Alexandria. A tragedy. I was on my way to Paris to cover the war as a freelance correspondent and I had no idea of the horrors I was to face. Without a decent dinner jacket. You people have no idea. Gallipoli. It was hell. When I say I fought at Gallipoli, I really mean I saw action at Gallipoli. Well, I mean I saw some photos of the plac
Read more

HOW TO GIVE UP SMOKING

Image
      First, have a cigarette. It's probably best to wake up first, but I have been known to have a cigarette immediately before awakening or even before. Now dig out those barely-out-of-date nicotine patches you bought three years ago after chain smoking three packs of Marlboro Red at a party in Rehab. Apply liberally to the chest and upper arm areas. I know it says only one, but what sort of a wimp are you ? Go hard or go home. And check out the Krusty the Clown instructional video on YouTube. He recommends 15 - 20 at a time, at least until your body gets used to it. Now, by this time the patches will have kicked in, flooding your bloodstream with nicotine, fear, and anxiety. You may feel the need for a cigarette at this stage. I know I do, but I promised myself I wouldn't have one until I'd finished this blog. You could be in luck - this night be a short piece. Anyway, after that cigarette, don't have any more. Simple.
Read more