POLITICAL BROADCAST PARTY

You look great. Have you lost weight ? You're doing something new with your hair, aren't you ? And those shoes are fabulous. Really. You look terrific. Now you'll find as the election approaches that the other parties will get bogged down in policies and promises. We won't be making that mistake. We know what you want, and it's our job to explain to you just how much we'd like to be able to give you those things, if only that were possible.

We'll be running a beautifully nuanced campaign, slim, sleek, and oddly reminiscent of those late sixties Peter Stuyvesant Passport to International Smoking Pleasure advertisements that we all remember from the movies. I mean pictures. Strewth cor blimey mate, we are after all real Australians. Like you. And like you, we are deeply concerned about the economy.

 Is it working ? Have we got the right sort of economy ? Do we even need an economy at all ? Possibly not, according to Treasury, but they've had me worried lately. No I think our problem's been that we're trying to function with the wrong sort of economy. I've been looking at a smaller, sleeker one. It's a cracker. It's about 23 ft, nice shiny black colour, and boy has it got some power .... excuse me. Really ? Ah look I've just been informed that what I've been looking at is not in fact an economy at all. It's a speedboat. Still, I think we might have it. The kids'll love it. Moving on to more pressing matters:

What sort of wine should we drink with this election campaign ? Normally with any election I'd recommend something oily and evasive like a Zinfandel, but this one will go on for ever and I'd suggest that what you really need is a big Shiraz. You're going to need a strong marathon runner of a wine, but one with stamina and a hint of  dinner jacket. You want to look good as you stagger across the finish line. Ask your local sommelier to recommend something along these lines. Remember, the Spanish have a saying .." If you feed your hat to a donkey you will feed it for an afternoon, but if you teach it to tie its own bow tie, you will enable it to attend many formal functions". Clive Palmer told me that one. What a mind.

I think we can all look forward to to an exciting, stimulating, thought-provoking election. Our party will of course be taking the higher moral ground at every possible opportunity, but I am duty-bound to warn you that if you do not vote for us, aliens disguised as International Socialists will steal your knees and sell your children into Internet slavery, where they will be forced to work seventeen hours a day thinking up amusing memes involving cats wearing captains' hats. Just saying.