JULIA & JULIA (& me) : The New World Order



Cabinet reshuffle ? Ignore it, it's just a front. Fact is, folks, that Julia's pretty much had it with her Labour Party colleagues and has been looking further afield for someone to rule with. I mean with whom to rule. Guess who she found ? Me !

She stumbled across ALIAS POOR YORICK while cruising the Net looking for ferret jokes to amuse Greg Combet with. I mean, with which to amuse Greg Combet. Read the whole thing, and immediately decided she needed to rule, I mean govern, with me at her side. So it's a done deal. We'll be running the whole country, apart from that boring money stuff. And who can bothered with that. We'll be appointing my personal accountant, Vinnie "The Stoat" Ravioli, as finance minister and Chancellor of the Exchequer. That man can make a tax return sing. He's an artist. Julia and I will look after everything else. We'll rule as a triumvirate. Except with only two of us. Julia says not to worry it'll be all right, she'll just be twice as bossy. I love that woman. Anyway. How will this change Australia ? Here's some of our new policies:

1. More public holidays. Especially for comedy writers. They need a break ...

So how was your Easter ? We had a quiet one, well the weather wasn't up to much, so we just went for a few walks, caught up with friends, and spent the rest of the time watching the final series of The Sopranos. I loved that scene where Christopher explains that he has to keep his AA sponsor around because he not only offers great spiritual advice, he's also a great forger. Gotta love The Sopranos. So yeah we're both well, the arthritis is playing up a bit, but you have to expect that at this time of year. It's always the change of seasons, isn't it ? Maybe it's just me. What are you going to do ? I just keep taking the fish oil tablets and hoping for the best. Well look I can't just stand around talking all day, better get back to work ...

Okay. Where were we ? Right. Policies. Yep. Okay. Did I mention public holidays ? I did. Yes, of course I did. As for the rest, well of course we remain vehemently opposed to bullfighting, audience participation at comedy festival shows, and repeats of "The Biggest Loser". In fact we are pretty much opposed to anything in any way associated with "The Biggest Loser" and we'll be moving immediately to pass legislation allowing us to execute the creators and producers of the show. It may seem a bit extreme, but you'll thank us in years to come. Someone has to take a stand. Look it's ten to five, I need to get out of here. One last thing. Bruce Willis. After his most recent film "Tomorrow Will Also be Quite a Good Day to Die Even Harder or You Could Just Wait Ten Years and I'll Keel Over of My Own Accord", we'll be acting directly to ban Bruce from making any further action films. Bruce you're nearly sixty. Just stop it. Okay, gotta be gone. I need to go home and pack - heading off to Pyongyang in the morning. North Korea needs a hug.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

HOW TO NOT SHOOT TAYLOR SWIFT

Image
  SWIFT EXIT STITCH IN TIME FOR TAYLOR Narrow escape today for pop diva Taylor Swift after she cleverly avoided being in Kansas City for the giant piss-up occasioned by the KFC ( Kansas Fucking Chiefs ) winning a well-attended football game of some sort. It was the third year in a row the KFC had won and the fans seemed reasonably pleased. We understand Taylor Swift's boyfriend du jour is a valued member of the KFC  team and played an excellent game, causing the normally reserved Ms Swift to let out an excited squeal. We can neither confirm nor deny that Travis received the customary backseat of the limo passionate-but-chaste-embrace as the happy couple sped to the airport, sending her swiftly on her way to Australia where she will stage a number of wildly successful and very long concerts. Back to the carnage. Three shooters opened fire on the huge crowd, many of whom were not yet paralytically drunk All three were eventually quickly captured and arrested and advised of their righ
Read more

LEST WE FORGET © ANZAC 2019 ™ ®

Image
Of course I fought at Gallipoli. I was only a fetus, so I had to lie about my age. And my height. I had to lie about a lot of things. I hated the taste of beer and I didn't know the words to Waltzing Matilda, but I was buggered if I was going to let that stand in the way of dying for my country. Or someone else's country. War isn't supposed to make sense. They say the first casualty of war is truth. In my case the first casualty of war was a Louis Vuitton trunk containing my best dinner suit, three ounces of Turkish opium, and a particularly fine collection of Persian erotica. Sunk without trace after a luggage tender capsized at Alexandria. A tragedy. I was on my way to Paris to cover the war as a freelance correspondent and I had no idea of the horrors I was to face. Without a decent dinner jacket. You people have no idea. Gallipoli. It was hell. When I say I fought at Gallipoli, I really mean I saw action at Gallipoli. Well, I mean I saw some photos of the plac
Read more

HOW TO GIVE UP SMOKING

Image
      First, have a cigarette. It's probably best to wake up first, but I have been known to have a cigarette immediately before awakening or even before. Now dig out those barely-out-of-date nicotine patches you bought three years ago after chain smoking three packs of Marlboro Red at a party in Rehab. Apply liberally to the chest and upper arm areas. I know it says only one, but what sort of a wimp are you ? Go hard or go home. And check out the Krusty the Clown instructional video on YouTube. He recommends 15 - 20 at a time, at least until your body gets used to it. Now, by this time the patches will have kicked in, flooding your bloodstream with nicotine, fear, and anxiety. You may feel the need for a cigarette at this stage. I know I do, but I promised myself I wouldn't have one until I'd finished this blog. You could be in luck - this night be a short piece. Anyway, after that cigarette, don't have any more. Simple.
Read more