UN-AUSTRALIAN OF THE YEAR

BUT FIRST A JOKE :  How many Australians does it take to change a lightbulb ?

 What's wrong with the lightbulb ? That's a bloody good Aussie lightbulb. I dunno, you come over here, get on the dole, steal our women, and then have the cheek to whinge about our lightbulbs. My father died in the war for that lightbulb. Well okay he didn't die in the war, but he once got so pissed on Anzac Day that he had to take three days off work. And let's not even talk about Vietnam. He went there on a Tiger Airlines tour once and got so bloody crook from a pork roll we thought he might lose a kidney. And all you bloody foreigners can do is criticize our lightbulbs !  You can all bugger off.

 PROFESSOR JEFRI L'ÉSTRANGE, SENIOR LECTURER IN SOME SORT OF BULLSHIT AT THE UNIVERSITY OF WEST RINGWOOD

At first glance, it might seem that anyone as screamingly flamboyant as this would be a shoo-in for this honour, but it's not as straight-forward as that, cobber. There's competition. You may find this hard to believe, but there are literally thousands of people out there who have never drunk their own body weight in VB and thrown up over their mother-in-law's shoes. At their own wedding. Before the ceremony.

 Doctor L'Éstrange first came to the judges' attention at a barbecue when he asked for a vegetarian sausage and a Pimms No 1 Cup. Strewth bloke. Bear in mind that this was a State barbecue. Yes. Liz and Phil were there and, well, the embarrassment. Stone the flaming crows. And there's another thing. This twinkling star here claims to have never heard of Alf Stewart, or "Home & Away", where Alf has taught a whole generation to talk proper Australian. Strewth Ailse.

Mr LÉstrange persists in pronouncing Australia as though it has three or even four syllables. There's two : Stra/ya. You poof.

  Now we love a good poof here in Australia, hello Molly, and don't get me started about Captain Starlight, what sort of a name is that for fucksake .. throw me my silk scarf Tarquin old dear I'm off to do a bit of bush-ranging ... but our man looks like he might be ready for sexual congress with that chandelier. Or a unicorn. Which is definitely un-Australian and almost as bad as thinking that real Australians drink Fosters. I mean, bloke. Come on.

Our little mate here really started to excel in the interview section of our selection process, but. Turns out he has never been to the MCG, farted in a lift, or sat around on a Sunday night watching Sixty Minutes and complaining it's not the show it once was back when they had George Negus. When asked his favourite sport, our winner opted for gymnastics (no, seriously !), and he readily confessed he had never poked fun at  Collingwood supporters in any way shape or form. He does not love John Farnham singing Ýou're the Voice, does not know the words to Khe Sahn, and thinks Bon Scott is a British confectionery treat.

HE KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO THE NATIONAL ANTHEM

Ladies & Gentlemen, we have a winner.