FERRETERIA:

Is this what we can expect in our own country when rule by ferrets makes its full impact ? Well, yes. And a damn good thing too, in my humble opinion. You will note from this colourful and confusing photo that all nuclear weapons have been eliminated, and replaced with sticks. And little bell things on people's ankles. Part poetry reading, part Zumba class, what's happening here is essentially a military exercise designed to dissuade would-be invaders from entering the country by convincing them that its inhabitants are really quite mad. The red garments are known as the Aprons of War, and symbolize that should invaders get insistent about it, they'd actually be welcomed & cooked a fine meal. Possibly something involving garlic and chorizo. The poetry, chanted loudly to the beat of banged sticks, harks back to a simpler time when rabbiting and ballroom dancing were recognised Olympic events.

  Before you sneer, it is worth noting that Ferreteria has never in its entire history been invaded.

So. Is this some modern day Utopia?  A place of peace and harmony and the gentle clack of banging sticks ? Well that was the plan. The origins of Ferreteria lie shrouded in the mists of time. Or if you want to get technical about it, about 1890. A number of idealistic young ferrets, deeply disturbed by  the disappearance of  the late movie, the late-late movie, and the late-late-late movie on Channel 9 and its replacement with Danoz Direct Marketing Television, set sail for Patagonia in the hope of building a new life there. A paradise. Yes, Utopia if you like. They cared deeply about art and culture and most especially the late-late-late movie on Channel Nine, which was often old and black&white and full of snappy dialogue.

The young idealistic ferrets, full of poetry and Pimms No 1 cup, had no bloody idea at all about sailing, and were eventually rescued somewhere just off the coast of Catalonia by a bunch of Spanish surrealist painters sailing about the Bay of Biscayne in a craft apparently constructed from a teapot, a whale's tail, and Salvador Dali's moustache. This has pretty much set the tone for life in Ferreteria.

SOME INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT FERRETERIA

* The population of Ferreteria is either 143 or two billion, depending. Ferrets make it a point of honour never to tell the truth on census forms.

* Its main exports are ballroom dancing, future pluperfect clauses, and replacement scrabble tiles (but only the higher value ones)

* During WW II Ferreteria filled out that form asking you to pick (a) Allied (b) Axis or (c) Neutral with (d) None of the above. As a result Ferreteria became a CMZ  (Confused Militarized Zone) for the entire duration of the war. An Italian battalion surrendered to itself, placed itself in a prison camp, and spent the rest of the war playing poker for chocolate rations found in Red Cross parcels

* Ferreteria is a true participatory democracy but has no parliament as such. All issues are decided by whoever turns up on the day. It's one ferret one vote, unless you can play the guitar part to "Duelling Banjos" in which case you get ten votes.

* All property disputes are settled by the rhythmic banging together of little round sticks

* Ferreteria has sent a team to every single Olympics since 1912. Unfortunately the entire team consists of ballroom dancers, and because ballroom dancing has not been a recognised Olympic event since 1908, the medal tally has been dismal. A single silver medal was scored at Atlanta in 1996 when a younger ferret accidentally fell into the swimming pool and did surprisingly well in the individual synchronized swimming.

* The country has no national anthem as such, but if you play The Swingers "Counting the Beat" they will get to their feet and go batshit crazy for it . They believe the song was written specially for them. And who's to say they're wrong ?

* The Arts are taken very seriously in Ferreteria. The only person ever to have been executed in the country was found guilty of possession of an oil painting of three kittens in a basket, and a trafficable quantity of prints of dogs playing poker. This truly evil citizen was unrepentant, boasting to the police that he had for years own and sold pictures of dogs dressed up as judges, dogs playing billiards, and dogs pretending to be racing-car drivers. It sends a chill down your spine, doesn't it ?

* At least half the population are employed on a casual basis as fact-checkers for Alan Jones. You can see why.