Let them eat Bruschetta

Hello blokes. How are youse. What about those All Ordinaries, eh ? Fair slice of the pav ... what ?? Well at least I'm trying ...

The thing is  I've been chatting with my profile enhancement team about 'keeping it real' & they've suggested that I need to drop that fourth wall and talk to you directly about the man behind the billionaire blogger, CEO of the vast blogging empire ALIAS POOR YORICK, rich and famous and adored by dozens. About the real me. Just an ordinary bloke. A regular dude.

And I can assure you that fame and wealth have not changed me a bit. Sure there's the odd extravagance: I bought NZ as a weekender, and I can afford to floss with spider silk, but underneath all that I'm just a man who puts his trousers on one leg at a time. Obviously I'm a very busy man, and like many in my  position I employ a team of specialists to put my trousers on, but I have spoken to the team leader and he assures me my trousers are in fact put on one leg at a time. Just like an ordinary man....

 Perhaps if I take you through an average day - I wake up, skype Sting and we do a little yoga together, then I usually write instructions to the accounting team in haiku form, and ... okay, this probably isn't helping. But just walk along with me anyway, I have to do the pre-flight check on the Gulfstream. I give the pilot the day off on Tuesday and fly myself. I like to get my hands dirty.

I think the important thing for me is to keep grounded, remind myself of where I've come from. Those bleak days when I could only afford to ski Chamonix one week every season and no hope of paying for French lessons on the side. I shiver at the thought. But I need to remember.

George Clooney told me he's just the same. I was over at his place on Como for a late brunch of unicorn-liver pate (surprisingly affordable when you know the right people) and he told me he makes sure that at least once a week he talks to an ordinary person. "Jeff", he said to me, eyes twinkling, "I just pick anyone with liquid assets of less than a million, and I talk to them. Sure, it's usually just to order lunch, but you get my drift. You have to be able to talk to people on their own terms" And my Italian's a little rusty, but I think he then told the waiter to bring him a snow leopard's heart stuffed with truffles and a side dish of assorted Ferrari parts or he'd paint the restaurant with subjunctive clauses. Hey. We all keep it real in our own way.

I took his advice and I now have several ordinary people on my staff and I talk to them at least once or twice week. I know they're the 'real deal' because my butler Frinton picked them personally & he assures me that in his upper-sixth year at Harrow they had a course in recognizing ordinary people.

 It's important, too, for me to find other ways to keep grounded. I don't talk about it much but I was the driving force behind the children's charity Eyes Wide Open, started after I discovered to my horror that there were thousands of children out there who couldn't afford double-espressos or Miles Davis records. My heart just went out to them and I've donated sizable chunks of royalties from my best-selling self-help books "Do My Knees Look Big In This ?" and "Just Say No To Imperatives"

It's something Lady Gaga like totally understands. We were sharing Pernod & Banana Smoothies at a new NY nightspot "The Dumpster" (Yeah, it's a real dumpster. Tres now) She likes it because it reminds her of where she comes from. And I'm sure there was a dumpster somewhere near her parents penthouse. And as she said to me "It's all about the people, Jeff. The little people. Those millions of tragic fucked-up crazy losers who've put us where we are. We owe to them to be, you know, really authentic. No matter how much work it involves ... Do you think it'd be too out there if I like gave birth to a Faberge egg on stage ?", she added.

And for the record, no I don't. As long as it's essential to the artistic integrity of the show ... what ? No I'm not taking calls, I told you that. I'm being real. Talking to my people .... No I can't tell Demi Moore where she can score some ketamine. Tell her to ring Sting and do some yoga. Chill out ..... No I haven't got time to talk to James Cameron. Tell him I'm good with casting De Niro as Paddington Bear and he'll have the second draft when it's ready.....

Sorry about that. Okay look I gotta go. Meeting with JayZ. Wants my advice on being humble. Wow. Kind of humbling. In a Richard Branson sort of way.

And people. Stay ordinary. You know you can do it

Much real love (JUST SIGN MY NAME HERE PENELOPE)