Ferrets Ate My Homework

The ten totally true and absolutely accurate reasons why there hasn't been a blog for a month.

1. We've been waiting for parts from Sydney

2. These ten jokes were all written weeks ago in New Zealand & I was stunned to realise that thanks to an unfavourable exchange rate I only had eight and a quarter jokes when I landed back in Australia.

3. I was distracted for a couple of months working as campaign manager for Mitt Romney. Forced to resign when he rejected my winning slogan "Elect me or gerbils will rule the earth". I said to him: Mitt. Mate. It's perfect for you. It makes no sense & it's vaguely frightening.

4. I got involved in a drinking competition with Julian Assange and Lady Gaga. Big mistake. She ended up in jail in Sweden and I was found wandering round in a dress made of DNA code, vegan sausages & people's pin numbers. Mind you Julian got a pretty good double album out of it & he looks way cool in the video.

5. I got arrested at the airport in New Zealand after I wrote under Purpose of Visit:
Hunt Hobbits and capture their leader for ransom. Those kiwis aren't as wacky and happy-go-lucky as they'd have you believe

6. While visiting the family's free-range adverb farms in NZ I was attacked by feral split-infinitives and misplaced subjunctive clauses. I couldn't make sense for weeks.

7. I watched a whole series of Australia's Got Talent & my brain just stopped

8. I watched a whole series of Australia's Got Talent & my brain just stopped

9. I watched ... what. Yes. I'm sorry. No. Where was I ? Look the truth of the matter is that the entire writing staff were head-hunted to work on Steven Spielberg's big screen 3D version of Mr Ed. I got to write "Wilburrr !" fifteen times and Meryl Streep is just brilliant in the title role. And because Steven said we'd all been really well-behaved and funny and that, we all got to go to New Zealand and have dinner with Peter Jackson and play with real hobbits. Awesome. Choice .

10. I tripped and fell into a lifeboat. No honestly. I was just waving to a friend of mine and we were attacked by rocks that had never been there before. I mean someone should have told me ... what ? is that what those roundy things on the maps are ? I always thought they were little waves. I reckon they should draw rocks all sharp and pointy and scary I mean I'm the captain I need to know about stuff like that ....

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