WARNING: WARNING LABELS



     The management team here at ALIAS POOR YORICK heartily endorses the Liquor Industry's move to voluntarily put health warnings on all alcohol. We applaud such measures. In fact we applaud any moves to put reading matter on the back of bottles - poems, jokes, short stories, paragraphs of complete gibberish to bewilder the hopelessly drunk. Why not. And look Australia's a big country with a big thirst and a huge range of drinkers; clearly we need a wide range of warnings. We're here to help:


CAUTION:  The Law of Gravity cannot be repealed by a majority vote of the five remaining drinkers in the back bar of the Elephant & Hearing-Aid at closing time


WARNING: If the Opposition policy on climate change starts making sense STOP DRINKING IMMEDIATELY. Call a doctor. Hell, just go straight to your nearest emergency medical facility. NOW.


WARNING: May cause delusions of artistic and intellectual competence. DO NOT attempt to write poetry, play the guitar, or explain Fibonacci Sequences


WARNING: Just before you go buy that next drink I have to tell you that tall interesting looking man over there is a borderline sociopath and sure it'll probably seem like a good idea at the time and you'll get married and have a couple of kids but then he'll start going to poetry slams and raves without you and it'll all go for shit and the next thing you know you'll be handing over the kids for the weekend to him and his dreadlocked drugfucked girlfriend and it's just going to screw you right up so look I'm just saying, how about a mineral water ?


HEALTH WARNING: Pregnant women should only drink champagne. Sculling cans of Bourbon and coke just looks tacky


SERIOUS WARNING:  At 19.5% alcohol this is not so much a table wine as an under-the-table wine. In fact it's pretty much a floor wine.

REPEATED WARNING: Oh come on you don't really need another drink do you ? What's this, your sixth can ? Seventh ? I mean you told your wife you were just dropping in for two beers with your mates and look at you now, it's nearly seventy-thirty and  you have to work in the morning, it's not as if it's a Friday night and besides you've been drinking a helluva lot lately it can't be good for you. Didn't you promise you put up those shelves in the bathroom when you got home tonight, I dunno you're just bloody hopeless ...

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